Tuesday, 28 July 2009

The MP

I almost didn’t go to the garden party.

I tried to persuade the rest of the family that I had a headache but they all saw through it.
"It’s called ‘shame’ and you brought it on yourself so come and get it over with" said Sasha, clearly with great sympathy for her dear mother.

So I did go and actually, it was fun! The weather was glorious and Mr Actor didn’t seem to be there when we arrived so I relaxed quite quickly and got into the spirit of it all. Literally actually, as one of the neighbours provided free champagne cocktails for the first part of the afternoon and it would have been rude to say no……

For some reason, our local MP was in attendance. Although he does live in the neighbourhood he isn't in the immediate area so technically he shouldn’t have been there at all but I think he came as Errol’s guest, who is lives down the road and is something big in Westminster.

Anyway, the MP is short, fat and bald but I think he thinks he’s a bit of a babe magnet! To his credit he came out well in the whole MP expenses furore recently. According to the rules, he could have claimed for a second home but he chose not to. That aside, there is something quite sleazy about him. Maybe though, that’s just a required trait for MPs these days, I don’t know.

I know this guy quite well as to be fair to him again, he does attend lots of local events and works hard for his constituents. I got to know him a few years ago at one of our aftershow parties when the singing group had put on a bit of an extravaganza. He was very complimentary, said I had the voice of an angel, blah, blah. He was very entertaining and got a bit of a crowd round him as he recounted stories of Life At Westminster. Over the years, I’ve seen him at other events and he often comes to see our shows and he always heads straight over to say hello.

And that was the case on Saturday. We chatted for a bit and I laughed at his stories and he told me he was writing a book and asked if when it was done I would look after the publicity and I told him I would and to get in touch nearer the time and then suddenly he said, and admittedly he had drank quite a few of those champagne things, that he had always liked me!!

He was talking very loudly and kept going on about being entranced by my "heavenly smile and my twinkling eyes" and did I know how "absolutely gorgeous" I was and the effect I had on him since the first time he laid eyes on me. And as he slurred on, I realised that actually he was in fact very drunk and there was no where for me to escape to and I didn’t really know what to say and of course, at that moment, Mr Actor had to walk by ! He looked over and I’m sure he was shaking his head in vague disgust and I wasn't even doing anything !!

Fortunately, Ewan came to rescue me and the MP then told him what a lucky man he was to wake up to this "vision of pure beauty" every morning and then, his wife came from nowhere, took him by the arm and dragged him off without a word.

At that point two of my friends, Beth and Lisa came rushing over to find out what he had said because they too had just had the same treatment. I couldn’t work out whether I was relieved or disappointed!!

So, the question is - should I call The News Of The World …… ??!!


  1. What an exciting life you lead...again very funny, i think you should definatley give them a call but only if the money is good lol! Oh and i am sorry i spelt your name wrong, i'm a dumbass, it's fixed now and the link on the meme works too...i'm a dougnut! x

  2. Should you call the News Of The World? Only if (a) you have photos and (b) you want your phone tapped for the next 5 years. ;-)

  3. I do not like the sound of Mr. Actor - I mean wine happens, you know?

    The MP sounds like a riot - I, too, would be both relieved and disappointed...

  4. Oh gawd, thats too funny. I want to live in your street! I'll make the cocktails and I promise I'll behave....if it makes you feel any better many years ago I happened (read "stumbled") across an MP in a sleasy bar late one night. A friend and I had lost the fight to stay sober many hours before, but to this day I doubt the MP enjoyed trying to chat us up, buying more drinks only to have me remark that his hair reminded me of crinkle-cut potato chip!

  5. Oh god how embarrassing! I wonder how he felt when he woke up the next morning? I do pity the poor mans wife.

  6. Brilliantly funny post. Just confirms my thoughts about politiicians, though I suspect you are as beautiful as he was suggesting.

  7. Great party story. Reminds me of when a THWI-Thought He Was Important- chatted me up at an Occasion. I often wondered how he felt when he sobered up, but I guess he didn't care because he was always offering me an opportunity to have an affair.

  8. Any page 3 girl in The News Of The World? I'm sure the MP would read that! Love your post, always do.