The singing group have their Christmas Cabaret this week and I went last night.
They started practising back in October but I decided not to take part because I knew Matt would be involved.
Singing has always been such an important part of my life and I love it. It has always made me feel so good inside and even when I have felt low, it really does take me to another place. And performing is something I feel so comfortable with. I guess it's because I'm a huge show-off.
The thing is, I have lost all enthusiasm for it recently. I haven't been to any of the weekly meetings for ages and I only went last night out of duty.
It doesn't take a genius to work out it is obviously because that's where I met Matt and him being there has taken the shine off it but actually I think there is a bit more to it than that. This feeling that something has withered away inside of me - that I don't have the right to enjoy anything, probably explains it.
I talked about that with the therapist yesterday. He nodded sagely but I'm not really convinced that he gets me. I'm finding the sessions with him quite hard work actually. He's obviously pushing me to something but deep down I feel a bit resentful about it all which I know isn't helpful. I told him that, and he just smiled and said it was all part of the process. I wish he wouldn't be so bloody nice all the time! Why can't he just give me the answer and tell me what I need to feel normal again and then I can get the heck out of there.
I know, I know. I'm being unreasonable and that's not what therapy is about. And I do need to give it time and there is a lot to work through but maybe I should consider finding someone else. I know though that I'm only looking for someone who will make me feel like a nice person and who won't make me examine all these horrible aspects of my character. But I don't feel he's listening to me. For example, I told him I don't want to keep talking about Ewan and yet still he keeps pushing. It's very frustrating. I will keep with it though ....even though I'm now dreading each session and instead of walking on air when I leave, I feel like I'm wading through treacle !!
Anyway, back to last night. I was there on my own as the rest of the family all had other things on. Matt wasn't in the show after all, but Kelly was. It was all pretty dire and I don't think that was because I was just so down on the whole thing. The regular MDs, Nick and Mel, have gone on a year-long trip round the world and their absence was clearly felt. I was really tempted to run off during the interval but decency prevailed and I stayed the course. I wish I hadn't because towards the end of the second half, I felt a squeeze on my knee and there was Matt, slipping into the seat next to me.
He had been helping backstage and spotted me and so once his job was done, he decided to join me. It was all very awkward and as soon as the final curtain went down, I said I had to go but he was trying to persuade me to pop outside with him so we could have a quick chat. I told him no, that I didn't have time as I had to rush back. He looked quite crestfallen but I refuse to feel guilty. He was trying it on while his girlfriend was backstage for goodness sake.
Grrr...I'm so cross with the world and I thought this was supposed to be the season of joy and goodwill.