Remembering I Am Married

So, Matt has been messaging me but I have kept things very cool. I have answered but not with any sort of encouragement.

That evening at his flat was a mistake and fortunately it didn't go too far so the situation is repairable. I don't need him in my life and meanwhile, I have my lovely husband who doesn't deserve this treatment.

We've just had a lovely few days together. My mother took the kids off to Center Parcs (she doesn't care that they're supposed to be at school and I couldn't be bothered to argue!) so we thought we would take advantage of the situation and maybe go off on a last minute break to Paris or somewhere romantic. However, in the end we decided to just stay at home and pretend we were on holiday - which was wonderful. We slept in, watched films, went out for long walks, talked (and laughed) a lot, went cycling, cooked together, had lots of sex and spent an afternoon in London visiting tourist attractions. I loved it and I think we needed that time to find each other again.

It's interesting though, that now Mum and the kids are back and we've returned to work and resumed our normal lives, we've gone back to how we always are. We don't seem to have learnt anything or kept anything from those precious few days.

I feel slightly cheated.

The Morning After

The morning after visiting Matt's flat last week, I woke up feeling incredibly guilty. What was I thinking? Even before getting out of bed, I had decided there could be no more.

I had a text from him fairly early on asking how I was but I ignored it. When I got to work, there was an email from him which I didn't reply to but when I got another one in the afternoon asking if I was OK and why wasn't I talking to him I suddenly felt guilty and so I replied, apologising for taking so long to answer. He's not stupid though and guessed that I was suffering from an "emotional hangover". I told him he was right and he said he would back off and leave me to sort out my head but that he was always there and waiting if I ever wanted to indulge in more "fun".

So here I am again. Why I am doing this? Each time I've had any contact with him over the week, I've realised that I don't think I even like him that much as a person - he's not someone I can have deep conversations with. In fact, I mostly seem to listen to him and what he's been up to. I tell him very little about myself, mainly by choice, but he doesn't seem particularly interested either. But, I do find him incredibly attractive ....and I'm flattered that he is interested in me. Maybe that's the reason.

I wonder though if this is more about proving to myself that I can stay in control which I didn't with Chris, who has been on my mind so much recently. It's probably easier that I can't talk to Matt with the same ease or that my stomach doesn't flip when I think of how he kissed me or held me or that he knows very little about me. I know that he was extremely turned on that night but that does nothing for me either. So even if I do manage to stay in control this time around, it won't mean anything because I haven't really fallen.

Part of me wants to make him to be desperate for me the way I was desperate for Chris. For some reason, I need to feel that I'm capable of doing this and then walking away untouched, which makes me sound so cruel.

I think I'm going to suffer for this. If he now loses interest in me though, I want it to be because he couldn't get anywhere. Not because he walked away from me - that's what I can't cope with. This has to be on MY terms - it has to be.

The best thing, of course, is to simply stay away.

I Have No Idea Why I Am Doing This

Last night was our singing workshop. It was also the night I agreed to "pop round" to Matt's flat. I tried to get out of it over the week but he managed to persuade me to stick to the original plan and in the end, it went exactly as I knew it would.

I tried not to think about my plans for the evening and went through the motions of my day at work almost on auto-pilot. I ignored most of his messages during the day, just sending him one to say I would nip round to his flat before heading off to the workshop.

I went home at the usual time, showered, changed into jeans, put on a little make-up, kissed Ewan goodbye, told him I didn't know how late I'd be and headed off to the singing group as I so often do.

Only this time I didn't go straight there. This time, I did indeed stop off at Matt's flat.
He buzzed me in and I took the lift to the eighth floor just as he'd explained. For a fleeting second, I almost didn't step out but the moment passed and then I was outside his door, which was ajar. I pushed it open and there he was, waiting for me in the hall, looking absolutely gorgeous - I'd almost forgotten just how cute he was, even though it can't have been more than a couple of months since I last saw him! But then, I guess I wasn't looking at him in the same way as I ever had before.

"Hello", he said "Welcome."
I smiled and was aware that my heart was racing. We both knew why I was there but I felt some sort of charade had to be played out.

"This is nice." I said "Show me round then."
So he took me round his small but lovely apartment. He had bought it brand new and he had a beautiful fresh and modern bathroom which I noted was sparkling clean! His kitchen was compact but again, very modern - not so tidy perhaps but there were a few gadgets around that suggested he was a bit of a cook. From there, he showed me into his living room - a big warm space with dark leather furniture and books and CDs and DVDs. I liked it - it was very him. And then, he led me to the bedroom - another big room, with a massive bed and a huge wardrobe.

I took my time as I looked round - opening cupboards and drawers and generally being very nosey. He just watched with a smile on his face. When we got to the bedroom I suddenly felt a bit nervous. There was nowhere else to go - we had been round the whole flat and now here I was leaning against his wardrobe not really knowing what to do next.

"Your flat is lovely." I said. He moved towards me and said "So are you." Suddenly his hands were round my waist and I felt the need to explain. "I don't normally behave like this." but he just shrugged. "It doesn't matter" he replied. "But it does" I said "I dont want you to think I make a habit of this sort of thing. I'm actually really nervous." He took my hand and put it on his chest "There" he said "Can you feel my heart beating - that's nerves!" I could feel a thudding beneath his muscles but before I had chance to register, his mouth was on mine. And that was it.

Suddenly we were kissing passionately and then we were on his bed and I was surprised at just how much I wanted him. But I held back. There was no way I was going to let him go all the way, though I could tell he wanted to and that he was very turned on. Before it all went too far, I pushed him off me and told him we needed to slow down and to give him credit he did, though over the next few minutes while we were talking, he kept kissing me very tenderly.

He's good - very good - certainly knows what he is doing with women. But I'm going to stay in control this time around. I'm going to be the one who calls the shots.

I told him we needed to go so that we wouldn't be too late for the workshop. He did try and persuade me to give it a miss but I was adamant that we should leave. He told me to go ahead as he needed to stay behind for a bit and "sort himself out" !

So, I went on to the group and hardly acknowledged him when he arrived though I noticed my heart racing. Every so often, I would catch his eye but mostly I pretty much ignored him.

When I got home, Ewan was already asleep and as I got into bed beside him, I wondered just when it was that I became so accomplished at deceit.

Asking For Trouble

It's been a mega busy time over the last month or so. I've been travelling to and from the US working on some big Anglo/American election events and just when I was back hoping for a quiet time, I found myself involved in the whole Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand fiasco. Can't go into details on that one but it's been fascinating !

Hopefully, it will be calm for a while now. In between working, I've tried to give my family whatever time I've had so they don't feel neglected and now I'm back in the office trying to catch up on all the stuff that has been kept on the backburner. One of them was an email from Matt that he sent a few weeks ago:

Morning!
So? Are you ever going to accept my invitation to come and have a look round my flat? I'd like you to see it but more than that I want to spend time with you there. Because you see, I can't stop thinking about how your body would feel in my hands and how you would feel wrapped around me.
x

I was shocked but secretly thrilled when I got it but didn't have the time to respond then, other than to let him know I was out of the country for a while. He replied telling me to get in touch when I was back. Looking at his email again today, I knew I should leave it but I couldn't help myself. Before I knew it, I had pressed SEND and he had an email from me innocently asking how he was. Within seconds he replied saying he had been going out of his mind not knowing what to do with himself because he hadn't heard from me for so long and that, by the way, dreams of me in lying in bed next to him were never far from his thoughts !!

I told him to pack it in and behave himself and he replied that I shouldn't be "so damn sexy". I sent him a firm message back scolding him again and reminding him that I was the married mother of teenagers but he persisted - said he was turned on by my laugh and my smile, my hair, eyes, personality, and my body. "All in all," he wrote "it is an extremely sexy package".

I so want to fight this but I can't. He's very good at this game and I feel weakened. It's easier to play along, isn't it? Even though I had so much to catch up on today, the exchanges continued and by the end of the day, I had agreed to "pop round" to his flat, just before the musical workshop evening that the singing group is putting on.

Oh, what am I doing? Everyone knows that men often stray because they are flattered by female attention. To them it doesn't mean anything because it has nothing to do with what they have at home. I am surprised though that I behave in the same way. I actively seek out flirtations and look for possible encounters in a bid to boost my self esteem but inevitably I feel so much worse, even cheap.

I don't know why I continue to do this - it's really not nice.

Back To The Present

I feel a lot better now. I took a few days off work for some serious me-time and went off for a massage and a facial and some retail therapy - all in a bid to make myself feel good again and I think, to some extent, it's done the trick. Today, I'm back at work and I feel more focused again.

It's been a week or so since Matt's email, which was in fact what triggered this little blue period off. Bizarrely, while I was catching up with the last few days of work, an email from him suddenly popped up which came as a bit of a surprise:
"So I guess no reply from you means I've caused general offence. I'm really sorry if that's the case. I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. I'd hate to think you were angry with me. What can I do to make it right?"

I don't know why but that made me smile. It was quite sweet that he was so concerned. I messaged him back at once saying not to be silly and that I wasn't angry but that I had been very busy and a bit under the weather. He messaged back to check that I was OK and that led to a day of email exchange. It made me feel really good actually. After feeling so low and slightly worthless thinking about the way Chris had treated me, it felt great flirting online with young Matt.

This time though I stay in control. His last message today was sent late afternoon reminding me that I hadn't made it to his flatwarming earlier in the year and would I like a private viewing! I decided to call a halt then and didn't reply but only because I want to leave him wanting more.
I'm happy to play this game I think, but I do it on my terms. I'm not going to let myself get drawn into anything heavy - I just want some fun. The trouble is I embark on these things in the name of "fun", even though I know that is the last thing it will turn out to be. I think I am constantly searching for a holiday from reality.

Whatever the reason though, I do know that I need to prove to myself that I can have a relationship with a man and that I can be the one with the power - that I decide whether to start it, continue it or end it.

Getting Over It

These last few days have been really difficult. I wish I hadn't let myself think of Chris.

Although I made a decision that day in the park to carry on after he dumped me so unceremoniously, it took me a long, long time to get over it.

I felt so alone after that phone call. I found myself thinking of him constantly and even though I knew I had to get back to living my life, I felt such a fool. I couldn't quite believe that what we had was just over, so soon and unexpectedly. From the moment we had met at the airport, I thought I'd found a friend but it was clearly different for him and that felt like a kick in the stomach.

I was so angry for so long . So terribly sad and confused and constantly on the edge of tears. I couldn't understand why he would tell me that he couldn't deal with this, when together, we had gone over the problems we might face on our return and promised to be there for each other, however bad it got. Whenever I thought of how he had almost cruelly dismissed me that day, it gave me such a physical pain in my chest that I truly thought I might be seriously ill. It was the not understanding that was the crux of the issue - what had I done to deserve this treatment from him?

I kept running over in my head exactly what I would say to him the next time he got in touch. How I would let him know what a shit I thought he was to push me away when I needed him the most. But of course, he never did contact me - he cut me off completely and it hurt like hell to know that he was just not bothered

I desperately wanted to tell someone but I looked at my friends and there was no one I could confide in. I knew they would judge me or tell me I was stupid and so I dealt with it alone. Or rather I didn't - I was in a sorry state for a long time and at one stage I thought I would never get over it. I had pinned such a lot of hope and expectation on him which is not something I normally do and that made it all the worse. Whenever I had any time to myself, it was that thought that made me cry the most and I hated him for making me feel like that.

I don't hate him now though and my heart and stomach don't churn as much when I think of him. Because however much I try not to think about him, I do. His face often comes swimming into view and I find myself remembering him yet again. I do wonder if I will ever truly get over him but even so, this feeling has in a way been more bearable than when Lee left me. Unlike then, there has been no time in the last four years when I have wanted to end my life, although there were many times that I didn't think I could get out of bed to face the day.

Not very long ago, I realised that in order to truly move on, I have to remember my time with Chris with great affection and no bitterness. After all these years though, I still want to see him and talk to him because I know I never did anything wrong and I've never understood why he went so cold on me.

Part of me now also believes that he's simply not worth my emotion - even though he has taken so much of it.

How It Finally Ended

The last few days have been awful. I can't get Chris off my mind. I've worked really hard at keeping him out of my for head for so long but just allowing myself to remember back to that time in Australia seems to have opened up a floodgate, and thoughts of him just keep crashing over me.

After we said goodbye at the airport, I spent an evening catching up with my family but before I went to bed, I took my phone into the bathroom and texted him goodnight. He replied immediately saying he felt very alone in his London hotel. Even though I climbed into bed with Ewan that night, my heart was with Chris.

The next day, I had to take Sasha to a musical theatre workshop audition in Covent Garden. It was a beautiful crisp but sunny Autumn day and after I dropped her off, I had four hours to kill until I had to pick her up. While I was looking round the shops, I got a text from Chris. He said he had completed all his London meetings but his flight back to Glasgow wasn't until the evening, I told him where I was and within half an hour he was with there with me.

We had lunch outside on the Piazza but just like on the flight home, we didn't say much. We simply held hands and looked at each other, and that seemed to speak volumes. He did want to know though if I'd had sex with Ewan the night before. I told him that I had and he said the thought of that killed him but that it was OK because of course that evening he would be with his wife, Kaye. I hated the thought of that but said nothing.

While we were sitting there, we could hear an opera singer entertaining the crowds. She started singing Puccini's "O Mio Babbino Caro" and her voice was so beautiful that I thought my heart would burst. I looked at Chris and like me he had tears his eyes. Looking back now, I think I may have realised at that moment that it was really over and that there was no way we could even carry on a friendship. I can't hear that song now without thinking of that look on his face.

We walked to the tube station and this time there was no passionate kiss, he just squeezed my hand and walked away and within seconds he was engulfed in the crowds of commuters and tourists who swept him away from me.

We emailed and texted for a few weeks after that but he soon told me that he found it too difficult. He said it would be easier if we didn't communicate on a regular basis so I left him alone for a bit, even though I thought about him all the time.

Then, about a month later, Ewan and myself had the most almighty row which had been brewing for some time. Halfway through it, I snapped and said I'd had enough and that I was leaving. As I walked to the door, he grabbed me by the arms and said he wouldn't let me go and that running away wasn't the answer. I burst into tears then and I think had some sort of breakdown. I remember falling to the floor screaming in between great, racking sobs which seemed to come from deep within me. I was shaking and unable to breathe and Ewan cradled me and told me that everything would be OK and that he would look after me and help me through this, and I wondered if maybe, he knew.

Later when I was calm, he let me go off alone for a walk in the park and there of course, I called Chris to tell him what had happened. He listened, saying nothing. Then, when I finished he said, almost dispassionately, that he couldn't deal with this. That he wasn’t in the right place to be able to handle it. That he had his own problems and that he was sorry but a clean break was the only answer.

I couldn't belive it! This man....this man who promised to be my friend, in whom I had confided everything, was now telling me to go away. It felt as if he had ripped out my heart.

Once again in my life, I faced rejection and what felt like compete betrayal. Every inch of me wanted to curl up and let the world carry on without me for a while, but this time I made an immediate decision that I wasn't going to break.

I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and returned home to Ewan.