It seems Matt is not very happy with me.
I think it started because we didn't get together last week. I couldn't see him Monday because it was a Bank Holiday, then on Tuesday I went to see Sean and after that I was in no fit state to do anything, let alone meet up. I did try and explain to him on Wednesday that I was quite emotional from what had happened but he didn't seem to understand why I wasn't in the mood to go round. He tried to persuade me again on Thursday but got quite snappy when I said I couldn't.
I didn't hear from him after that so yesterday I thought I ought to give him a ring. He didn't answer so I left him a voicemail saying I hoped he was OK as it had been a while since I'd heard from him. I got an immediate text back saying that no, he wasn't OK. I asked him why and he said he was tired of not being a priority in my life. I was a bit stunned to be honest but told him to call me so that we could talk properly. He went quiet for a while but called in the afternoon and sounded really fed up.
I asked him what he meant by his text and he said that he knew he had to take a backseat because I was married but that he was fed up of always coming second to my friends. I tried to explain again that actually I was in still in shock and grief over what was going on with Sean but he just dismissed it and said he didn't really know anything about me and that he wasn't sure how I felt about this relationship and did I know how strongly he felt and didn't I think I owed him something more than just seeing him when it suited me.
I told him I was sorry if he felt like that and tried to placate him. To be honest though, I was a bit confused about his outburst and still am. I suspect it's one of his games but more, I'm irritated that he's trying to make me feel bad about putting Sean first. What sort of person would I be if I hadn't? Mind you, what sort of person am I for having an affair in the first place?
I don't see how he can dictate to me how I should behave or who I should see or ...oh I don't know, this whole thing is ridiculous.
He finished the conversation saying that he couldn't explain how he felt but that he was grumpy and it was down to me - end of story. I don't really know what he wants to me to do and at the moment I'm inclined to do nothing. Mainly because I don't have the energy but also because this may be the ideal opportunity to disentangle myself from all of this.
I know what I'm like though. I'll start worrying that he's thinking badly of me. I wish I was secure enough to rely on myself and not give a toss what he or anyone else thinks about me. Why should I care? After all, he's the one being irrational here.
The thing is, I haven't heard from him since he put the phone down and now I'm starting to feel cross..... and upset !
Into the Wild Open Spaces
3 days ago