Decision Made

Thank you for all your lovely comments and emails.

I thought about it long and hard and I have decided not to publish here. Not yet anyway ! I’ve found a writers group that offers feedback and advice for each other at whatever point they are with their writing. I thought I would give that a go and will go along to their next meeting in a couple of weeks

Meanwhile, I’m still writing my short stories and have now amassed quite a collection. I may well just drop one into the blog every so often when I can’t think of anything else to write.

But for now, this will stay as a record of my life…..although I may, just may, have to change the title, very soon !!

The Urge To Write

In the last few months, as I’ve been travelling from one end of the country to the other, I’ve started writing. I’ve had a book in my head for some time but I’m always pushing it away as I want to write it when I have time to sit down and just do it, rather than trying to fit it in between so many other things.

One day, when I was on one of my long train journeys, I suddenly thought of JK Rowling and how she apparently formulated Harry Potter on the train to Manchester. I also happened to be on the train to Manchester !!

So, I started to put down on paper the elements of my story and the characters …..and it felt really good. The words were just flowing from my pen with hardly any effort and I got very excited at the thought of writing it. I was planning to start it on the journey back but I was so tired that I slept all the way. And since then, I haven’t been able to get back into it. It’s as if something is physically stopping me.

I’m guessing it’s fear. All the time that the book was in my head, it was a bit of a fantasy that I could dismiss fairly easily as something to be done in the future. After putting down my thoughts on paper though, it has become much more real and I could end up writing this and it could be rubbish. I don’t have a clue how to write a book. I don’t even know if I have style that would or could engage readers. So I have not gone back to it at all. I’m such a coward.

However, whenever I travel by train now, I have an irrational desire to write. I probably should just write the book and then put it away and look at it again next year, or something. But like I said, I can’t. So instead, I have found that by watching people on the train, ideas suddenly pop into my head and I have now written a number of short stories.

I don’t know if they’re any good but I have just read the first one, which I wrote a couple of months ago and I think I like it but I really want to get some honest opinions. I don’t know if I have the guts to publish it here and I may never be able to do it……..

…..but, if I were to put it on this blog, would you be willing to read it and give me your brutally frank, critical opinions ???

Did You Miss Me ???

Oh, it’s been a very long time !

Lots of reasons. Primarily work. In June, we were given a last-minute contract to work on a huge project and so everyone in the company has dropped everything to concentrate on what we need to do. My role has seen me travelling up and down the country, meeting with various people and although I do love that, it has been so incredibly tiring.

In between that I have had to fit in with my family, trying to join them for bits of holiday in Cornwall, the Peak District and Ireland. They seemed to be quite happy carrying on without me!

And then, in the odd bits of time I have had free, I’ve tried to blog but I often couldn’t access my site. When it did let me log on, I had no access to my blogroll of fellow blogger sites or to my followers. I can’t tell you how frustrating that was, especially as sometimes it would let me comment on some blogs but most of the time, it wouldn’t even let me type in the comment box.

I toyed with the idea of giving it all up, especially as the next year is going to be so busy for me but the thought of that was too distressing and so I persevered whenever I had an opportunity. And then finally this week, (and don’t laugh, you all know how technically rubbish I am!!), I noticed a warning that I swear I never saw before, that said my blog was no longer supported by Internet Explorer. OK, OK, I can hear you all laughing, but why should I know that ??!! So, I’ve switched browsers and now I have my precious blog back to how it was, with pictures of followers and My Blog List back and I can’t tell you how happy I am – it’s as exciting as when I first started. I just have to hope that you lot are all there and haven’t abandoned me. We shall see ………

Anyway, thanks for those who emailed and commented, wondering where I was. It was nice to be missed.

And for those of you who didn’t, DID YOU EVEN REALISE I WAS GONE ????

Trying My Hand At Adult Behaviour

Since Matt, I have tried very hard not to allow my head to be turned by men and their flattery.

I realised a while back that until now, I have let that happen too easily. Someone would start to flirt and I would flirt back and before I knew it I would be in a situation that I didn’t know how to get out of. And so, on three occasions in my married life an affair has started and on numerous other occasions I have just cut off contact with various men in a bid to rid myself of difficulties. That in turn, has caused me all sorts of anxieties about what the other person must think of me, leading me to dislike myself more for getting into that position in the first place.

Oh, I’m so ridiculous.

Anyway, I’ve decided to take more control. Not so difficult now I have to admit, because I notice that as I get older, there is not so much attention. Tracy Emin said it best in a recent interview, when she said women of our age suddenly become invisible and it takes some getting used to !!

However, saying that, Norman has shown an interest !

He is one of our Directors and he has a fearsome reputation. He knows what he wants, he always gets results, he doesn’t tolerate fools and he shouts…. a lot. He has never really been involved with me and my team but whenever we have been at a meeting or in a room together, he has studiously ignored me.

In spite of that, or maybe because of it, I've always been quite fascinated by him.

He’s in his sixties and not an obviously good-looking man but he keeps himself trim and dresses well and actually there is something quite attractive about him. The fact that he’s brusque and seems to get bored easily, seems to add to the appeal.

Anyway, a few months ago, he wandered into my office and threw a folder down on the desk. “I was told you might be interested in this so you are welcome to it as it doesn’t do a thing for me. If you don’t fancy it, find someone else to do it.” And with that he stalked out again.

I looked in the folder and it was a brief to work with a very well known dance company and exactly the sort of thing I love. So, I made a few calls and it wasn’t long before I was on the case. A few weeks later, I got an email from Norman asking how it was going. I told him it was going well and thanked him belatedly for passing the job on to me. I cheekily added that he should have given it a go as it was fun and I had already got a free dance class out of it. He messaged back that dancing wasn’t his idea of a good time and when I asked him what was he told me to take a double expresso into his office and he would tell me. Given that this man had never shown any interest in me until now, I decided to do just that. And actually, that afternoon in his office was very entertaining as he told me a lot about himself and revealed that he had often wanted to talk to me as he was impressed with the way I worked and fascinated by my loud laugh.

The next day he asked me out to lunch and since then, that has been a regular thing and we have become quite good friends.

That whole gruff thing is a bit of a front and actually, I have realised that the people who work with him have a huge amount of respect for him despite the fact that he shouts a lot. He’s very intelligent and is very up on his news and current affairs. In addition, he loves reading, especially anything to do with history and goes to the theatre as often as he can. Trouble is, he has no one to share it with. His wife left him a long time ago as their marriage fell apart when their eldest child died suddenly and he took refuge in his work. From what he says, it seems he doesn’t feel worthy of a partner which is a great shame. He knows women like him but he feels that they are drawn to him because he has money and anyway, the whole business of trying to meet the right person, he says, takes too much energy.

I know he likes me. The old me would, for some reason, have made it easier for him to make a move but I have been very aware that I have kept up a guard to stop him crossing any line. He will often say that he wishes he could meet someone like me who is funny and intelligent and I immediately then talk about Ewan so that he knows I’m not available. Trouble is, I think my natural flirtatiousness sends mixed messages so he doesn’t really know where he stands. I feel quite sorry for him really but I’m trying to behave like an adult so that I don’t have to suddenly stop meeting up with him as I really would miss his company.

It’s hard but I think I’m finally learning !

Back To Therapy

I signed on to an anger management course and yesterday I went along to the first of six group sessions.

I’m not going to document every last detail but I thought some of what was said was very interesting. It’s probably what most people know but for me it was a bit of a revelation.

Namely, that:
a) anger is a natural emotion – a simple release of energy
b) it’s OK to be angry because it is part of the human condition
c) anger is a way of saying “no thank you”, “I don’t agree with that” or “stop it”
d) anger can be healing
e) we shouldn’t tell our children that they shouldn’t express their anger or that anger is bad
f) it is what we do with our anger that may not bring benefit so we should use it as a tool
g) it’s not helpful to hold in anger as that repression often leads to rage which is not a good thing.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll be learning how to use anger as a tool and how to cut off the path to rage in “healthy, non-threatening and non-damaging” ways.

Watch this space ….

Talking About Myself

A friend emailed this to a group of us and said that I was the only one likely to answer as I loved talking about myself. Bloody cheek….but there may be some truth in it ! Anyway, I’m ignoring him but I couldn’t resist filling it in and posting it here. And he’ll never know !

Feel free to pick it up and run with it if you so choose !!

Who were you named after?
No one, as far as I’m aware

Do you like your handwriting?
It depends on the pen which is why I always like to use good pens for that very reason. I can’t be doing with a scratchy biro !

If you were another person would you be friends with you?
Of course! I’m great fun and a good confidante and genuinely interested in other people. It’s a shame that I’m not another person as then I might begin to like myself !!

Do you still have your tonsils?
No! They were whipped out when I was just five! Imagine that! I don’t think they do that to children so young, these days

What is your favourite cereal?
I don’t really do breakfast unless it’s a weekend when Ewan does his famous big fry-up. If I had to choose, I would say Crunchy Nut Cornflakes

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Hell, no !

What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing?
Well funny you should say that ….. I always wear matching bra and knickers and today they are red because we went out to lunch with friends and I wore a red top and so my shoes are red too but obviously I don’t consciously set out to match my shoes to my undies!!

What was the last thing you ate?
I had pie and mash for lunch, when I should have had a simple salad but the whole e.coli thing put me off the healthy option and I went for big chunks of steak in ale instead !!

Favourite sport to watch
Tennis, although I admit it’s more fun watching any big England match with a group of people who shout as loudly as I do !! However, I have left Ewan in the pub to do that without me today (although I've got one eye on the match as I write this !)

Do you wear contacts?
No. I was told I needed glasses a couple of years ago but I have been too vain to wear them that often and I’m too squeamish to try contacts

Last movie you watched
Face/Off – which I recorded last weekend. I don’t know how I’ve missed it until now as I rather like Nicholas Cage and I have been in love with John Travolta since I was just a girl! I didn’t expect much but I thought it was brilliant and I was hooked right from the start. I love a good action film !!

What did you watch on TV last night?
I had to watch Dr Who again ready for this evening, as I didn’t really understand what was going on last weekend !!

Not The First Time

After much pressure from family and friends and the clear message from your comments and emails (for which I am very thankful), I did report the incident and the police were surprisingly sympathetic and confident that they could find the culprit

I’ve been a bit wary since the incident last Monday but not scared. When I told my colleagues the next day at work, four of the women said it had happened to them. For one it had happened twice. Nice.

Anyway, soon after writing that last post I suddenly remembered something that happened when I was very young. Not a mugging but a similar incident – one that I had pretty much forgotten

I was about 13 and I was coming home from a piano lesson just a couple of streets away. I had turned the corner on to my road and a car passed me and beeped. The driver was looking round at me but I didn’t recognise him. He stopped the car, got out and held open the back door, As I got nearer, he said “Hello love, you look nice. Get in and we’ll go for a drive.”

I said no thanks and tried to walk on but he blocked my way and said with a smile
“Come on love, just get in the car.”

I didn’t know what to do then and he moved forward but fortunately a neighbour came out of his house and shouted something. The guy ran into his car and raced off.

Mr Blackstone came running over to me to see if I was OK and like Nathan he walked home with me and rang the bell. When my dad opened the door he told me to go inside which I did and then he must have told my dad what he saw.

Dad was fussing over me then all evening and asking if I could remember what he looked like and if he touched me and I remember being very blasé about the whole thing. After all, I hadn’t felt scared at any point. I clearly didn’t realise the potential danger of it all.

I’m guessing my parents didn’t involve the police as I don’t remember ever speaking to them, or anyone else about it. However, thinking about it now it probably explains why Dad pretty much gave me a lift everywhere after that until I started driving myself. All my friends thought I was terribly spoilt but he was clearly scarred by what could have happened to his precious little girl, whereas I just put it out of my head ……until now.