Racism

It seems one in five voters would consider voting for Nick Griffin following his appearance on Question Time. And one of those, is ….my mother!

It has caused great ructions in this house as everyone has tried to challenge her opinion which they should all know by now does nothing but cement her weird ideas even further. I know she is partly doing it to get attention but it has really upset me.

She insists she is not a racist but in the same breath says that he isn’t either as he has apparently said in the past that non-white people can stay in this country if they pull their weight, and that’s what she thinks too. And then she goes on and on and on with her views on muslims, asylum seekers, eastern Europeans, blacks (she doesn’t differentiate between them) etc…..and how they are “bringing this country down”. I hate it when she talks like this. She has always held very right-wing views that have got worse since my dad died. He used to keep her in check and I have often warned her to keep her thoughts to herself, which she has largely done. Now though, thanks to Nick bloody Griffin, she thinks she can express them loudly and proudly. She believes most people feel the same but don’t have the courage to admit what they really think in public.

I feel so ashamed of her. The children have been arguing with her and Ewan has taken to simply avoiding her. She’s been in a mood all day and has just screamed at me that I am turning my family against her even though I’m the one who has said the least. There’s been a horrible atmosphere in this house since that damned programme was aired and right now everyone is in their own rooms, feeling miserable.

It’s not often like this in our house but when it is, it’s because of her.

A Talk In The Park

I love Autumn.

I know I've said in the past that Spring is my favourite season, but October is such a wonderful time of the year. Crisp days with the leaves on the trees turning various shades of flaming red and brown. It's such a treat walking through the park on days like this and yesterday morning, I decided to take the long way into work so that I could do just that.

It was such a beautiful morning and I loved the sound of leaves crunching underfoot. I was, without even realising it, very content.

Which is why, when a text from Matt came through asking if I was free because he wanted to tell me something, I decided not to ignore him but told him to call me. He rang immediately and I sat on a bench to listen to what I knew would be some elaborate attempt to get me to meet up with him.

It was a good line. He wanted me to hear from him that Kelly was going to be moving into his flat next month. I don't know what he thought I would do - burst into tears, fly into a hysterical rage, beg him not to let that happen ....??? Whatever, he seemed surprised when I simply said "that's nice".

"Are you OK with that?" he asked.

I almost wanted to laugh and asked in return why I wouldn't be and he said he didn't know!
I told him it would be good for him and that taking a step towards some sort of commitment would make him a better person. He then said that he was only doing it because she was making his life hell at the moment and kept crying and accusing him of seeing someone else so he felt the only answer was to to say "move in". He has since regretted it though as she is now very excited and he feels "trapped". I feel very sorry for her.

We talked a bit more, or at least he did, and after a few minutes he asked if we ....... could meet up. I said no, simply and politely and then said I had to go. But after I put my phone back in my bag, I sat in the park for a while and suddenly, felt inexplicably sad.

That's how I've felt since - and I can't seem to snap out of it.

The Thin Blue Line

It really was quite a pathetic attempt at a cliffhanger, wasn’t it?

I did the test as soon as I got home from Kim’s house and had a momentary panic when I saw the blue line, but that of course was to tell me that I had done it all properly. The next window was blank. I’m not pregnant!

I'm so stupid. There was never any real danger that I would be - and for the record, it could only have been with Ewan's baby. I guess it was wishful thinking on my part or that old drama queen in me coming to the surface to try and take centre stage with some new crisis.

Seeing Nancy pregnant did make me feel somewhat envious even though it’s actually the last thing she really wants. She’s already got three – Michael (16), Minnie (14) and Marnie (12). They are all now at high school which should have meant more time for her. But now, at forty five, she’s about to have twins. And she doesn’t know if she can cope.

I guess, if I found out that I was pregnant I don’t think I would be able to manage either. As lovely as it would be to have a little baby to look after again, it would be a complete nightmare at this stage of my life. I love reading the yummy mummy (and daddy!) blogs and they make me smile and remember how lovely it was having my babies. I do reflect though on how I would cope now with tantrums and early mornings and lack of sleep and constant attention. The conclusion is that, overall, I am satisfied with the way things are thank you. Job done !

Trouble is, as my periods get lighter and less regular, I know that it won’t be long before I can’t have a baby and that’s doing strange things to my head. It’s that whole wanting what I can’t have thing.

It’s also the desire to be needed. As my children grow older they need me less and I’d be lying to say that doesn’t affect me. Of course I’m glad that they are growing up into mature, independent, wise young people but I don’t want to feel discarded.

Oh enough of all this! That is definitely the last pregnancy test I ever buy. Menopause is approaching. It won't be that long before a little voice is calling me Granny Selina!

I may as well put my greying hair in a bun, sit in a rocking chair and give up now !

Autumn Expectations

I was ill all last week.

I left work last Monday evening after an impossibly busy day which I hardly kept on top of and when I got home I fell into bed and didn’t get out until yesterday. I don’t know what it was but over the week, I had a taste of everything - sickness, headache, dizziness, earache, blocked/runny nose, sore throat, cough, general aches and pains and stiffness but mostly lack of energy…as if someone had let all my air out. I haven’t felt that bad in a long while.

I still don’t feel right and I wouldn’t have got up yesterday if it wasn't for my darling friend Kim. Every October, for the past few years, she has had an Apple Day get-together for her girlfriends and it’s a lovely opportunity for us to catch up with each other.

She always goes to a lot of trouble making the most of the produce from the mini-orchard at the back of her huge garden. She does home-made cider (which is very potent), and various apple puds and cakes and a she does a pork barbecue that we have with her fantastic apple sauce. She also does goodie bags to take home for the family with toffee apples for the kids and various jars of apple this and that plus as many apples we can pick that are still on the trees. She says it’s her way of using up her harvest so that she doesn’t have tons of rotting apples to get rid of each year but really she puts an enormous amount of work into making sure everyone has a fab time and it has never been anything but wonderful. She always manages to pick a great autumnal day too before it gets too cold.

I especially wanted to go yesterday, because I couldn’t make it last year as work was so busy but also because I knew one of my closest friends Nancy would be there who I haven’t been able to reach since Sean’s funeral.

I felt rough on the train there but I knew I’d feel better once I was with the others. Kim opened the door to me and after our squeals and hugs she looked really serious as instead of pulling me out to her garden where the others were, she told me to go into her lounge as Nancy needed to tell me something.

I suddenly felt in a panic. Had I done something wrong? Was there something wrong with her? I almost didn’t want to go in but I did and there she was sitting down, looking as gorgeous as ever, though somehow different and I couldn’t work out why until she stood up. Nancy is pregnant!

I couldn’t believe it and it all came tumbling out that she only found out just before she had got the news that Sean had died and that she had then been really ill and quite depressed as she and Will had not not been getting on (again) and she hadn’t wanted to speak to anyone and that she was now five months pregnant and that oh, the reason she was so big was because .......she is expecting twins!!

I really feel for her. I can’t believe she has gone through all this without talking to any of us. She’s much better now both physically and emotionally but I think she’s scared about how she's going to manage with five - that’s FIVE children. It was so lovely seeing her though and I reassured her that I would make myself available to give her plenty of time.

On my way home, as I thought about her situation and how frightening it would be to have a child at this age, I suddenly thought about how I’ve been feeling this last week and it was like a light bulb suddenly coming on! Could I be? I am late. In fact, I can’t remember when I had my last period.

So I stopped off on my way home and bought a pregnancy test.

The Cheating Game

I have been pondering the whole issue of infidelity.

The subject came up yesterday when I was at lunch with some clients, including a celebrity chef who cooked for us and plied us with copious amounts of alcohol. He’s been a naughty boy but he was trying to convince me that it means nothing if you don’t kiss! He said kissing is the most intimate thing two people can do, whereas sex is just a physical relief – like going to the loo or eating when you’re hungry. So, it means nothing and thus, is OK.

What he said was no surprise. I’m well aware that many men hold this opinion or use it to justify their behaviour. He also blamed his wife who he said he loved but had allowed their sex life to become formulaic. I suggested he might be to blame there too but he said it was her job to excite him into wanting to do more than execute a quick, covert strike once the children were asleep. He put together a very persuasive argument for why his sexual dalliances were OK and nothing to do with his wife.

He asked me if I had ever had an affair and of course, I looked suitably shocked and said of course not! He said my husband was a lucky man but suggested he was bound to have had a couple of flings in the last couple of decades and if he hadn’t, he was probably dead from the waist down! I said he was doing men a disservice by judging them all according to his standards but he laughed knowingly.

I think I probably understand the notion that men box their affairs and their marriage differently and neither is connected to the other but I’m sure that’s not the case with women. It’s certainly not the case with me although I still don’t understand why I have been unfaithful to my husband, who is a good man.

We have a good sex life. It might not be as saucy as when were first together but I think it’s more effective. We know what the other likes and what works for each other.

I know if I was found out, it would probably be the end of my marriage whereas I don’t think that would be the case if I were to discover the same thing. I know for certain that my children, especially my daughter, would never forgive me and my mother would disown me and my friends would probably take a step back too. Society is far more judgemental of women who cheat.

I read somewhere recently that women are, in fact, programmed for infidelity as nature drives them to keep a man or two in reserve because men die earlier or go off with younger creatures and we are in need of protection! It’s a great theory but I don’t think that’s why I do it. Not that I am at the moment. Although …..

I finally answered Matt’s barrage of texts and emails after I got one on Tuesday that asked why I was still not talking to him, and asking to meet up so that he could at least get some “closure”! I messaged back to say we would not be meeting up, and that led to an exchange which got naughtier and naughtier as he reminisced on things that we’d done in the past and what he wanted to do in the future. I should have stopped it and I did eventually but I found I was enjoying myself. I haven’t answered any texts since and I WON’T be seeing him again but that question of why I behave in this way still hangs over me.

Maybe, I’m not so dissimilar to the chef !

Keeping Mum

It was my mother's birthday at the weekend and so I thought it would be a good opportunity to write about her.

I have wanted to do that for a while now as I strongly believe that my relationship with her forms the basis of a lot of the pent-up discontent and dissatisfaction I have felt about life in general over the last couple of years. However, I have been sitting here for the last ten minutes just looking at a blank screen not really knowing where to start. The thing is, there is so much I want to say that I'm worried if I really start to let it out, I may never stop.

We don't have a volatile relationship punctuated by constant rows and disagreements. In fact, if you asked her what sort of relationship she had with her daughter she would say "excellent" because she has no idea how much she hurts and irritates me. Although actually, I think deep down she has a very good idea because I feel recently, she has been making an effort to be a half-decent person. As such, I don't feel inclined to unleash all my negative thoughts about her that harbour such misery.

So, in a bid to find inspiration on what to write, I looked back at what I wrote about her when I started this blog. As just a few minutes of trying to analyse my relationship with her has exhausted me, I'm just going to re-publish what I wrote back then. I know it's lazy but it covers what I need to say for the moment and I'll expand next time she has really upset me again.....if I can !!

So here it is, from last year:

Mimi - The Mother
Where do I start on the subject of my mother?

I tolerate her but deep down she drives me mad. Really mad. I'm sure my life would be better if she wasn't in it but a part of me worries that if she wasn't around, I wouldn't be able to function. How unhealthy is that? She has possessed me from the moment I was born.

Such a difficult woman - I don't know how my father lived with her for all those years but I know he loved her passionately and he never let me stay angry with her when she upset me. I know he loved me more but for all her temper, he never fell out of love with her.

He was ten years older than her and he met her when she was just seventeen and fell in love with her at once. He often told me about that party and how his heart started racing when she walked in with her friends. He said she looked older than her years in her white high-heeled boots and her little shift dress and her beehive hair and heavily-kohled eyes. He was completely smitten and she was flattered by the attention of this older and in her eyes, sophisticated man.

They married two years later and throughout their life together she behaved like a spoilt child who he indulged. Everything had to go her way and in their arguments, she wouldn't relent until he gave way. Oh, how I wished he would stand his ground with her but he never did....because he loved her and didn't want her to be unhappy. And she knew that and took full advantage of it.

When I came along, she was just twenty but she was obsessed with me. She didn't sleep or eat but just watched me constantly at the cost of her own health. She went down to just six stone in weight and then the doctor told my dad that she needed to put me in a nursery and get a job otherwise she would go mad. So she found a childminder and started working as a secretary at the local driving school. It was ridiculous because most of the pittance she earned went on childcare and the rest of it was her pocket money that she spent mainly on beautiful little dresses for me. I was like her doll.

One day when I was seven, she came to collect me after work and I cried because I wasn't ready to go home. She shouted at me all the way back to the house for that and when we got in through the door, she hit me. I still remember the physical and emotional pain of that strike and I never forgave her for it. She got another job soon after that and arranged for a neighbour to look after me for an hour after school finished, instead of the childminder.

I had to live up to her expectations - high grades, good behaviour, clean appearance. I learnt that if I did what she wanted, life was OK. If I didn't, I always felt she would withdraw her love. Even now, I still have that fear although part of me wishes she would, so that we could live apart from each other.

She came to live with us after my father died. She talks of him with great affection, about the wonderful times she had with him, about how much she misses his love. One of these days, I will lose it and scream at her that she made his life hell and that she didn't deserve him.....or maybe I won't, as I haven't all these years.

As the years go by, she is becoming almost impossible to live with as everything has to be done her way. She thinks she has the right to say what she wants, when she wants, to who she wants. It's as if she prizes that devil in her. It amuses her to let it slowly take over as she gets older. She thinks she has the right to goad and manipulate those around her and now at this stage in my life, I am finding it quite draining.

I blame her for the way I am. I know it's because of her that I cannot feel, though I can't explain how. I just know that it is because of her that I don't have any deep connection to anything, in a real way. I think I just go through life pretending to emotions that don't exist.

What on earth does that make me and would it suddenly change if she wasn't around?

Distractions

Ewan is home and I think even he has been surprised by the warmth of my welcome as I have been genuinely pleased to have him back. However, even though I'm so cross with Matt, I can't seem to stop thinking about him and how he made me feel when we were together. I haven't answered any of his texts or emails though and don't intend to. I just need to put him out my mind with whatever distractions I can find. And I think I have found the perfect exercise. Back in July, I was tagged by the fabulous Wife Of Bold and now seems the ideal time to settle myself down and answer. I won't tag any one this time round but if the mood grabs you, give it a go.....

1) Who is the hottest movie star?
Well at the moment, for me, it's Daniel Craig ! I don't really know why as he is not my type and he doesn't seem particularly charismatic as a person but I like his Bond and let's face it he's got a bit of a body on him!! I saw him in a film recently where he played a young guy having it off with his girlfriend's mother, played by the fabulous Anne Reid. That was quite a disturbing film to watch as he was a bit of a bastard in it but there was something hypnotic in watching him……
2) Apart from your house and car, what's the most expensive item you've ever bought?
I can't remember. I'm not a huge spender. I leave all those big purchases to Ewan who spends ALL the time - it's what we argue about more than anything. Whatever it was would have caused me some stress at the time I'm sure, but the best way to deal with that sort of thing is to then dismiss it from your mind !!!
3) What's your most treasured memory?
Oh gosh! Which one do I pick…There was my wedding day, the birth of my children (particularly Kyle who was born in the car - that's something I must remember to blog about in the future), children's first words, first steps but I guess the memory that's worth noting here is ….meeting Nelson Mandela!
4) What was the best gift you received as a child?
I wasn't allowed a Barbie or a Sindy doll when I was young - I can't even remember why. But I constantly whined for one and was constantly refused and then for one birthday, I was given a Pippa doll and I loved her so much. She had four or five outfits and eventually I got a bedroom and a kitchen for her - endless fun.
5) What is the biggest mistake you've ever made?
Starting up with Matt was clearly a huge error especially as I never seemed able to take firm enough control, until now.
6) Four words that describe you?
Weak, confused, self-destructive, disloyal
7) What was your highlight and lowlight of 2008?
- Being pursued by a gorgeous younger man who fooled me into feeling sexy and young again
- Hearing that my darling friend Sean had cancer.
8) Favorite film?
Oh I never know the answer to this question but I saw North by Northwest again recently and I'd forgotten what a fabulous film that is and just how well Cary Grant wears a suit.
9) Tell me one thing i don't know about you?
No! I'm afraid I can't do that! I have already laid myself bare and told readers of this blog more about myself than anyone else knows. I have to keep something back - a lady needs to preserve a little mystery, you know!
10) If you were a comic book/cartoon character who would you be?
Betty Boop - boop oop a doop x