Thursday, 1 October 2009

The Cheating Game

I have been pondering the whole issue of infidelity.

The subject came up yesterday when I was at lunch with some clients, including a celebrity chef who cooked for us and plied us with copious amounts of alcohol. He’s been a naughty boy but he was trying to convince me that it means nothing if you don’t kiss! He said kissing is the most intimate thing two people can do, whereas sex is just a physical relief – like going to the loo or eating when you’re hungry. So, it means nothing and thus, is OK.

What he said was no surprise. I’m well aware that many men hold this opinion or use it to justify their behaviour. He also blamed his wife who he said he loved but had allowed their sex life to become formulaic. I suggested he might be to blame there too but he said it was her job to excite him into wanting to do more than execute a quick, covert strike once the children were asleep. He put together a very persuasive argument for why his sexual dalliances were OK and nothing to do with his wife.

He asked me if I had ever had an affair and of course, I looked suitably shocked and said of course not! He said my husband was a lucky man but suggested he was bound to have had a couple of flings in the last couple of decades and if he hadn’t, he was probably dead from the waist down! I said he was doing men a disservice by judging them all according to his standards but he laughed knowingly.

I think I probably understand the notion that men box their affairs and their marriage differently and neither is connected to the other but I’m sure that’s not the case with women. It’s certainly not the case with me although I still don’t understand why I have been unfaithful to my husband, who is a good man.

We have a good sex life. It might not be as saucy as when were first together but I think it’s more effective. We know what the other likes and what works for each other.

I know if I was found out, it would probably be the end of my marriage whereas I don’t think that would be the case if I were to discover the same thing. I know for certain that my children, especially my daughter, would never forgive me and my mother would disown me and my friends would probably take a step back too. Society is far more judgemental of women who cheat.

I read somewhere recently that women are, in fact, programmed for infidelity as nature drives them to keep a man or two in reserve because men die earlier or go off with younger creatures and we are in need of protection! It’s a great theory but I don’t think that’s why I do it. Not that I am at the moment. Although …..

I finally answered Matt’s barrage of texts and emails after I got one on Tuesday that asked why I was still not talking to him, and asking to meet up so that he could at least get some “closure”! I messaged back to say we would not be meeting up, and that led to an exchange which got naughtier and naughtier as he reminisced on things that we’d done in the past and what he wanted to do in the future. I should have stopped it and I did eventually but I found I was enjoying myself. I haven’t answered any texts since and I WON’T be seeing him again but that question of why I behave in this way still hangs over me.

Maybe, I’m not so dissimilar to the chef !


  1. When I was younger I probably thought sex was a function like going to the loo -- though much more fun -- but I found as I aged my romantic impiulses increased hugely and I became less callous.

    About the texting, a female friend and I used to have phone sex, right to the point of mutual, and sometimes even simultaneous orgasm, yet we never had real sex when we would see each other. Of course, we were both in other relationships and our partners were none the wiser. But, any time she should quietly mention our interludes I became instantly aroused.

  2. The chef sounds like a self serving dickhead. His excuses are what men - and some women use - to justify their behaviour to other people, especially other people that they are trying to seduce. I put it to you, my dear, that he was trying it on with you to see if you'd bite. But in reality everything he said is rubbish. Sex is intimate. It is nothing like going to the loo or eating a cheese and pickle sandwich. it creates emotional and psychological bonds that are real and have far reaching effects on a person's psyche for all people like Mr Chef might try to ignore then or pretend they don't exist. Mr chef, I suspect, is a very damaged individual indeed and as such is judgment is highly suspect. He needs to stick to cooking. Hopefully his poor wife will one day find a better use for the carving knife...

    As for Matt. Stand firm. Don't respond. He's using cheap tricks to try and reel you back in. You're worth more than that. He and the chef could be brothers. What a horrible pair!

  3. I fully agree with Steve............

  4. What a wanker i think we can all guess who the chef is, his poor wife, i hope she gives him a taste of his own medicine! Well done on standing your ground with Matt.

  5. I went out clubbing a while ago with a bunch of guys and one of them was hitting on me - I was not interested. A few days later I met up with a mutual friend for coffee and it turns out he was married and he claims that sleeping around makes him a better father and husband...And I just don't get this philosophy - which he seems to sort of share with the chef.

  6. I thoroughly agree with Steve... the chef is a chump, may his pickle and onions grow moldy... sex is totally intimate... including kissing. People pretend it isn't, and suffer... one should perhaps beware that the cheating game does not become the crying game... to wit, the film "The Decline of the American Empire". I'm not on any moral highground, not religiously motivated, but why even think about risking devastation to one's spouse... as well as the self humiliation and impact on children and other family... if one wishes to remain free of bonds and attachments and responsibility, one should not marry, or remain married, imho... It would appear that alot of folks are so self serving as to want to have their cake and eat it too, as well as nibbling a few pies on the side... moral obesity is a risk in such situations, which sometimes explode sort of like Mr Creosote in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life...

    And I have to admit Selena, you seem like a really intelligent, caring person, but have you given thought to what your husband might think if he read your blog one day ? Are you sure it will remain a secret, posted to the public on the web? I have to admit, also, I sometimes wonder, for that very reason, if some of what is appearing in these pages is fiction, or partial fiction ? In any case, it makes for thought provoking reading, and for this reader, I hope you will find solutions... that do not involve too much pain for either you or your husband....

    If I've ventured beyond what you are expecting from a commenting public, I apologize, but just wanted to try to say honestly what I've been thinking without saying up to now...

  7. I don't think you'e int he same boat as Sleezy Chef, complete wanker eh? (Well, maybe not depending on his success rate!! erk.)
    All the good lines have been spoken (curse our home PC...making me late)- you know which way is up, luv!

  8. There was a time in my life when I was very discontent and started fantasizing about other men and another life. I finally got out of that place. Whether an affair is played out in your mind or it actually happens in your life, I think it's a result of something that is missing from your marriage. We all want to feel desired by someone else other than that one that already has us. How do we find a balance there and how do we find that fountain to quench our thirst without drinking from the forbidden trough? I have no answers. I hope you find peace within yourself.

  9. So many sleazy men out there.. It is a wonder there are any faithful ones left. I say what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
    I hate that women are judged more harshly than the men.