Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Waking Up To Spring

It’s a long time since I’ve written anything here.

I guess it’s because I haven’t had any real enthusiasm for anything and I’ve just been going through the motions. I haven’t been in a depressed state - I just haven’t been able to do more than I’ve needed to on any given day.

But I feel better now.

Maybe it’s because the sun is out and our garden is full of flowers but suddenly, I feel more like my old self and ready to be me again, if that makes sense. I want to put some serious work into getting over these negative feelings that constantly seem to bring me down.

That won’t be with the therapist though.

Last month, I told him that I wanted to end our sessions. He just nodded and asked me why. I said I didn’t think that actually I was getting anything out of it anymore and that I was going to focus more on anger management. He informed me that he could help with that, which was a bit awkward, but I insisted that I thought it would be best to start with someone new. I found it difficult to say, not helped by how he looked at me in that way he has, with his head on one side. He pointed out that we had rarely touched on my angry episodes and I said that was because I didn’t find them easy to talk about and that I was ashamed of my behaviour. He said that he thought after all this time I would have understood that the whole point of these sessions was to try and talk through the more unpleasant things. I agreed but said it wasn’t something I had been able to master.

He was silent for a while and then, out of the blue, he said “Do you think I like you?” I was a bit shocked and didn’t know what to say and so he repeated the question. When I said yes I thought he did, he asked why that was so important to me. I said that what people thought of me has always been important to me and the key to how I feel about myself and he mysteriously said “that’s the knub of it Selina - that’s what you need to work on”.

I should have got into the conversation but quite frankly I didn’t have the energy.

Anyway, he wouldn’t let me finish things at that session and said I should think it all over and give him my decision at our next meeting. However, I went home feeling very dissatisfied at that and a few days later I sent an email thanking him but saying that I wouldn’t be going back. He replied with just two lines “Thank you for letting me know. I wish you the very best for the future”

Now, I feel like I’m free again. I don’t know of what. To make a fresh start maybe, I’m not sure. But I do feel positive and that can only be a good thing.

Can’t it??

8 comments:

  1. here is to fresh starts and i hope you find someone you gell with that can work on that anger management with you...

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  2. What people think of us is important: but what we think of ourselves is more so.

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  3. I've never felt (from your posts) that it's been a particularly inspiring relationship. "...quite frankly, I just didn't have the energy" seems to sum up a lot of your interactions.

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  4. With your therapist, that is!!! Not your interaction in general! They seem quite thoroughly lively. Jumping, in fact.

    I'm still digging, aren't I?

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  5. Sometimes starting afresh is what we need, and it that is your strongest feeling you are right to act on that impulse. Go with your gut, my dear and I can only wish for you that it all unfolds as it should.

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  6. I think the important thing is to pursue the anger management rather than let the momentum slide - it doesn't matter who the counsellor is as long as you are happy with how things are proceeding.

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  7. It took me a long time to realise that not everyone would like me. When I realised that I didn't have to batter myself up when someone clearly didn't like me!

    If it helps - I like you!

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