Thursday, 22 July 2010

Tears, Tears And More Tears

I seem to have spent all my time crying recently.

On Monday, I stopped off at the supermarket after work to pick up a few bits. While I was at the checkout, one of the staff fell and gashed her arm on some broken glass. Her supervisor was practically apoplectic with panic and was screaming for an ambulance and the store first aider. The girl on the floor was white with shock as the blood was pouring out. I don’t know when I became so squeamish but I felt very faint at the whole spectacle and I actually wanted to rush out but I was in the middle of the whole packing and paying exercise. As I left, I looked at the poor girl again and she didn’t look in a good way with everyone crowding around her and suddenly I was crying. I rushed to the car and it took me a while to compose myself. I really hope she is OK.

Then on Tuesday, we all went to see Toy Story 3 as my teens were keen to see how the films they had grown up with concluded. We went with no expectations as I warned them that it was unlikely the third film could live up to the other two. How wrong was I – it was brilliant ! But towards the end, it set out to pull heartstrings and instead of a discreet tear, I was sobbing loudly …..much to the embarrassment of my children.

And then yesterday, I went to the hospital.

I really tried hard to be matter of fact about it but to no avail. I thought I was calm while I was in the waiting area which was for all outpatients. But then, this big woman came in, pushed to the front of the queue and said that she had been told to go to the wrong place where she had been waiting for ages and now she was late and she better not have missed her appointment or there would be hell to pay. The receptionist asked her nicely to wait her turn but no, she carried on shouting until she was finally booked in and told to take a seat. Then a mobile phone rang out and the Indian man who owned it answered it, admittedly quite loudly. This of course sent the crazy lady into a frenzy and she started shouting at him to turn it off as they weren’t allowed in hospital and then she delivered a monologue about how “these people” shouldn’t even be given treatment on the NHS which she had paid for all her life and suddenly others were telling her to shut up and she shouted back and you guessed it, I was crying again.

It was really embarrassing! I was trying not to which of course made it worse and I kept my head down and let my hair fall around my face as I tried to wipe away the tears without being seen but they kept coming and then I looked up and a muslim woman, in full burkha, offered me what looked like a used tissue and that kindness made me cry even more as I said no thank you and then rummaged around in my bag for my own but it was no good, I had to go to the loo to blow my nose and pull myself together.

Fortunately, almost as soon as I came back to the waiting room, I was called in to see the doctor. She was a gentle woman with a kind looking face and so of course when she asked me if I was OK, I started crying again and then there were two nurses with me making a fuss of me and getting me water and tissues and telling me that it was completely natural to be nervous but that they would be with me and everything would be OK.

After taking my history, the doctor started the procedure and explained what she was doing at every stage. I had pretty much calmed down when she suddenly said she was sorry but she needed to call in the consultant. When the nurse squeezed my hand, I could feel the tears pricking my eyes again….

They were streaming down my face by the time the consultant came in. He had a look and then said that they were a bit worried about an area behind the neck of the womb which they couldn’t see as clearly and so he was going to take a biopsy. He warned that it could be uncomfortable and asked if I wanted a local anaesthetic but said that if I could bear it, he could do it very quickly without. Stupidly I agreed and oh bloody hell it was painful and whatsmore he decided to take THREE bits out of me !! But as they had already seen the tears I decided to just let all pride go out the window and cry like a baby. I mean proper bawling.

I thought I was OK today but I’ve just half-watched that Panorama programme about some undercover filming in a vets’ practice where the animals were treated really cruelly and that has set me off for the night.

My family have fled to safe areas in the house and I am writing this in paroxysms of spluttering sobs. I might never stop.

Bloody pathetic !


  1. so sorry...
    glad you went though...
    when do you get the result back?

  2. It's not pathetic at all. It's a sign of how stressed and overwrought you are with all of this. And a sign that you need to pamper yourself a bit - do something nice to restore the balance. Give yourself time to breathe and heal. Hope the results prove that all is OK. Sending a big hug.

  3. I was on antidepressants for a year and a half, and they did me a world of good.

    I had put it off for literally years, out of fear they would either turn me into a zombie or a grinning idiot, but they did neither of those things- they just made me feel like myself again.

    I could kick myself for waiting so long, suffering needlessly, and if I ever need them again I won't hesitate to go back to the doctor.

  4. I've caught up now. I do hope that you're fine on all fronts. It's anything but pathetic, Steve is entirely right on this. You're under a lot of emotional stress and now physical worry. Relax if you can, do something to distract yourself and just take care.

  5. I agree with Steve, it is not at all pathetic. For some reason I have tears bubbling under the surface all the time lately. I never quite let them out but I wish I could but the problem is they come at strange times and things that don't really upset me. I guess that is because I have a lot of mixed up emotions.

    I hope you get over this. In fact I know that you will!

  6. It's little wonder you're reacting the way you are with all the stress you're experiencing. And having crazy-acting and rude people (like the silly cow in the queue at the drs, God, she drives me mad just hearing about her!) just adds to all that. Anyway I hope that the results of the check prove to be okay, I really do!

  7. Nothing wrong with a bit of tears, especially in the circumstances, I think you have every right!
    When do you get your results? Am sure that since it's all early in the piece you will be well looked after. xx Big hugs.

  8. I hear it's the adults who break down watching Toy Story 3. It gets a bit much when 3 of my favourite 4 films are animated!

    Sure you weren't at my doctor's surgery?

    I can't begin to imagine what you're going through at the moment. At times like this everything becomes just one huge sore.

    When that happens I try to break things down so that each part is just that little less intimidating.

    Everything crossed - well almost.

  9. Can I give you a hug? And then feel free to bawl your eyes out. You've been through a lot lately, my love. Be grateful you can cry. It's something I find very difficult to do.

  10. Oh lord! I really do believe that tears are natural (and very effective) anti-depressant/sedative with none of the negative side effects of the artificial variety. I'm sure your family know that you aren't crying for no reason - you're crying because you need to cry.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed about the results.

  11. Oh you poor thing - don't know what else to say.

    I once had a 'minor surgical procedure' with the same circumstances ('we can do it very quickly without a local or a full - do you want to etc'). I also agreed and boy it might only be 20 seconds but it is 20 seconds of sheer hell.

  12. I wonder if maybe it's hormones, and worry, and stress, and all of it just too much? Once you get past this medical concern, I'm sure it will be fine.

    I cry VERY easily, but mostly not bawling. I blame it on being in my 40s.