Monday, 19 July 2010

Not Dead….Yet !

So I’m still here but I have to say, it’s been a weird week !

Those enduring thoughts of imminent death stayed with me for a couple of days and in that time everything seemed extremely heightened. I suddenly seemed to notice everything.

- how captivating the flowers are in our garden, especially the roses on the pergola. This is the second bloom of the year and it is spectacular. The heads are enormous and the blood red petals are so soft and velvety. My favourite place to sit at the moment is on the swing underneath them in the morning and evening as they pump out their heady, divine fragrance
- the lavender at the back of the garden also looks stunning and smells heavenly
- lying in bed first thing in the morning whilst still dreamy and listening to the birds singing. I have never noticed before just what a rapturous sound it is
- looking up at the sky which has been particularly blue recently, while stretched out on the grass and imagining I’m floating up. It’s such a sublime feeling
- it seems that everything I eat, especially all this luscious, ripe fruit that is around at the moment, is just scrumptious. On Wednesday, my cherubic, angelic son made me a simple hot baked potato with lashings of butter and grated cheese and it tasted like food from the gods - blissful

I spoke to my therapist about the whole experience and he thinks it’s all rather strange. He said he would have been concerned if it was something I was longing for or seriously anxious about but as I’m not, he’s unsure what it could be. I asked him if he thought, as some readers have commented, that it might be death of the old self as I resolve various situations in my life and he conceded it could be. He said that he thought I had come a long way since we started, which I don’t think he’s said before.

We talked about my faith and beliefs and my attitude towards death (which has never been one of fear) and he also asked me if I had ever had any psychic experiences. When I started laughing, he wanted to know why I was so amused. I can never really make him out. Did he ask me that because it’s something he believes in or was he just checking if I really am in need of serious psychiatric help?

I asked him if he thought I was mad and he said it was a word he didn’t like and then a discussion followed on why what he thought of me should be so important and I got very confused in my answer. The only thing he gave away was that he did think after all this time that I was still trying to be very “alluring” in our sessions in order to make right the things that come out that I don’t like about myself. I told him I wasn’t trying and that I was naturally adorable and he rolled his eyes but I saw it – there was a hint of a smile !!!

I came away from him on Thursday evening feeling better. And I went to sleep without wondering if I would wake up. Friday morning felt more normal again and not so dreamlike and over the weekend, those feelings pretty much disappeared and all should have been well.

But then, late this morning, while I was at work, I got a call from my doctor.

He said that the long-overdue smear test that I finally went for last week had shown some serious abnormalities and that he had arranged for me to go into hospital for a colposcopy examination on Wednesday morning. I said I needed to check my diary in case I had any meetings and he just said very briskly that he strongly recommended I made the appointment a priority.

That sort of urgent language is worrying. So much for laughing at the idea of being psychic……

I put the phone down and cried.


  1. Oh my dear Selina, go to the appointment and rest assured that they are onto these things so quickly these thoughts are with you, and I'll check in again Thursday to make sure you went! Don't make me come over there and go to the pub with you!!!

  2. oh, go to the appointment, better if there is something that they treat it...

    happy about the little things you are noticing as well...those are a lot of things that i love...

  3. Definitely go to the appointment. If there is anything it can usually be completely cured if treated quickly enough - don't waste any time. Big hugs.

  4. Where is it a doctor's job description that he has to scare the shit out of patients? Or isn't he any good with people.

    Here's to you kid. Nothing's been confirmed yet. He or the hospital may be being over cautious. Keep smiling.

    P.S. Has Steve grown a beard?

  5. Shit. Zero out of ten for patient management. On the other hand, maybe the doctor just wants to make sure you don't delay. Like Steve says, get in there, get it dealt with. Healing type thoughts.

  6. You must keep the appointment, but I think your doctor is a tactless bastard, but so are most of them, in my experience. Anyway, darling, glad you're not dead yet. I like you far too much to want to hear of anything untoward.

  7. OMG!!

    I hope it's nothing serious!!! :(

  8. Sorry to hear that. As everyone else says, get it dealt with now and chances are it's nothing serious. Let us know how it goes and we're all thinking of you!!

  9. Do please go ASAP. You will only worry in the absence of knowledge, and it may turn out to be nothing particularly untoward. And I do hope that is the case!

  10. Oh gosh. Go to the appointment. I was in a similar boat a few years ago. I went to the appointment and I am completely fine now.

  11. Wish I hadn't started working backwards but just gone back to where I'd last posted and worked the normal way.

    At least I know you are still alive (joke - and probably a bad one). Oh and I have had a couple of psychic experiences and I am the ultimate realist cynical person re the 'super'natural. It shook me up, I can tell you - and perhaps I will one day.