Friday, 6 November 2009

Blogging Break

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write.

I can always think of something to say or an event to relate. It’s just that on looking back at recent posts, my general tone seems to be miserable, whiney and moaney. And that is so not me.

At least not on the outside. Not the Selina that people beyond the blogosphere know. She’s so entertaining. Very funny, known for her warm and ready smile and loved for her infectious, if raucous, laugh. That Selina is a joy to be with.

This one is the real one and because she writes with honesty, about how she really feels and about what she’s up to in her secret life, her blogging pals don’t see that side of her. They don’t know that actually, she’s rather lovely and not a discontented, cheating whore.

The thing is I’m getting rather tired of Selina Kingston. She bores me and if I’m bored, then I’m worried that the people who read me must be fed up too. She needs to be given a slap and told not to be so bloody self-indulgent.

The trouble is I’m also tired of playing the real Selina. It’s getting harder each day to play that lovely, friendly woman. Sometimes, even when I’m laughing loudly in a group, I almost have an urge to just descend into crazy manic laughter followed by crying and then hysterical screaming ….to fall to the floor and roll up into a ball and rock away all that pain inside me which I don’t even understand why I should have, until someone comes to take me away and put me in a quiet room where I can stay forever, or at least until I have emptied my head of this buzzing confusion and think normally again.

But of course I can’t do that.

I’m depressed, I know that much. I just don’t know how seriously. I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter and a professional women. There are a lot of people who need me to hold it together so that I can help them when they fall apart.

And so, after a momentary lapse, I’m back. I’ll carry on as I have been and I apologise in advance for being such a baby about everything. I’ll address all these issues one day. But not now.

It’s not my time yet.


  1. Any kind of depression - manic or otherwise - is too big a burden for any one person to bear. Personally I can recommend counselling. It worked for me at a time when I was at rock bottom and I honestly don't think I'd be where I am now without it. Think of it as "me time". You deserve to take care of yourself, to pamper yourself a little. And, in all honesty, sometimes having a good scream and a good cry is the healthiest thing you can do. Don't apologize for who you are or what you write. Never do that. I don't know you but I am happy to be here in this tenuous blogging connection that we have. I visit because I want to and not because I'm demanding to be entertained with cheery inconsequential chit-chat. Take care of yourself. Big hugs.

  2. I'm sorry to hear that, you always seem so bubbly to me and i've never considered you a "moaner". I think Steve has said it all and he gives great advice. Hope things are better soon x x x

  3. I keep telling you, Aunty Steve gets all the good lines!
    Don'yt be too hard on yourself, I think like that sometimes too but so far have been able to drag myself back to me. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Hugs, Amanda

  4. After reading your entire blog, I think that you need at least a years worth of counceling. You are depressed, you like yourself a little too much, which is probably a self help mechanism. You didn't love your husband when you married him and don't now. You cheat in order find yourself, get self gratification and worse, cheapen yourself. You like to play the game because you want attention so badly. Do yourself a favor and drop Matt. He is using you as much as you are using him. Get some good therapy and then try to save your marriage, or get a divorce.
    I find it amazing that people feel sorry for you and tell you to keep your chin up...that is just wrong. Do what you should have done a long, long, time ago. Get help to make yourself Mentally Healthy and then go out in the world a healthy woman.

  5. Oh darn it - I just left you a long message and it got deleted somehow! Right, deep breaths...I shall attempt it again! It went something along the lines of forget what anonymous says - it's not helpful in any way. This blog is yours and a place where you can rant, moan and just let it all out. If anonymous doesn't like it then they don't have to read it. Try not to be too hard on yourself - every day I hear new stories about people having affairs, husbands and wives leaving each other - so don't feel like you're the only one. Marriage is bloody difficult and people chnage so much along the way. The man you married may not be the man you are married to now - and it doesn't have to be your fault. Besides, it sounds like you are doing all the looking after and no one is looking after you - no wonder you feel down every now and then - I think it's remarkable you've coped thus far. As for counselling - don't feel that if you do give it a go it's a sign of defeat - what do you have to lose by going? It may help, it may not, but it may be worth a try. It might be the one place where you can start to feel cared about. In the meantime, we're all still here for you. Hugs - and lots of them xxx

  6. Much is said in the comments above. What's not is how what you say is not entirely true, Selina, at least from a reader's perspective. There is a "whole" Selina perspiring from your posts. Maybe not in each one, but reading them all adds up to give also the picture of a funny lady, a great and generous heart, a caring person who can touch others (even here). Parts of the outside Selina are described and felt by the reader and that is one of the reason we, your "followers" (pardon me to speak for us all on this), are (com?)passionately in love with your story and your writing. With you, as a good person. Reread all the comments everywhere : we all want to HELP you. We are touched by you. Because you give us something already. You are allowed not to see it all the time. But you should see it at least "at times", and maybe also in your real world and entourage. My idea is, you seem to have given so much around you, people will be bound to give some back if you open the door...

    Open it.

  7. Hi I wanted to echo what everyone above has said, which is that you must take care of yourself, and if you are depressed, whether clinically, or a temporary phase, you must be gentle on yourself. I do think a short course of therapy (not counselling) would be useful to help you see through the clouds and focus on the actual issue (whatever it/they are). Its also a useful space where you no longer have to pretend, and if its not working after a few sessions, you can walk away knowing you have tried with a professional. All of us to a greater or lesser degree wear a mask every day, and so many things can affect our happiness and mood. I think a blog is an excellent idea, mainly because its a space that is yours, where we don't judge you because we're not bound to you- we want to be here, so we are. I would also consider may be doing a small amount of voluntary work in something that uses skills you have, so you can step outside yourself and also feel useful/helpful. Good luck.