Sean

Dave called me earlier in the week.

It was about our friend Sean. He was at university with us but not part of the main group. He was a bit of a loner but Dave befriended him in that first year. I didn't get to know him until our final year but soon realised that although he was quiet, he was a lovely guy. He became friendly with Ed and Nancy too but never really took to the whole group thing. I don’t see him as regularly as the others but we have kept in touch over the years and I regard him as a close friend.

In December, Sean told us that he had cancer. It was such a shock. But he told us he was going to fight it and that he had no intention of letting it beat him - which is very Sean. He said he wasn't going down the chemotherapy route because he wanted to stay strong for as long as possible and in his opinion it was that treatment which made cancer sufferers he had known, including his mother, so poorly. He wouldn't listen to any arguments to the contrary.

Anyway, on Saturday, Dave called to say that Sean wanted to see us all to introduce us to Jenny, his girlfriend. After being pretty much a confirmed bachelor for most of his life we were all thrilled last year when he announced he had finally found the woman of his dreams. She's also a scientist and he was besotted with her and then almost immediately, just as everything was going so well, he was told about the cancer. At first, he wouldn't tell her. He said it would drive her away. And then as the relationship got stronger he said he couldn't tell her because he wouldn't be able to explain why he had kept it from her all that time. He eventually did it last month and of course, she is still with him though she was clearly upset. It seems she has been a complete rock since, supporting him in all his decisions and just loving him and looking after him on his bad days.

So last night Nancy, Dave and myself went to see him. Ed couldn't come because his wife, Carolyn, is pregnant again with their third and keeps bleeding. It was a shock seeing Sean as it was the first time since he was diagnosed. He had changed a lot. He's lost so much weight and he looked old and somehow, smaller. Jenny was lovely - like a little bird, very chirpy and flying round him and giving him little pecks on the cheek everytime she passed him. I like her a lot. I like her because she loves Sean and he clearly adores her.

The thing is, Sean didn't invite us round just to meet Jenny. It was to say goodbye. He has been told he now only has weeks to live and he has decided, surprisingly, to go into a hospice and once there he definitely doesn't want anybody apart from Jenny with him. None of us said anything, probably because we were all fighting back tears.

He showed me a photograph in a frame. I remember him taking it, many years ago before I was married. I was lounging on his bed (there was nothing else to sit on in his tiny bedsit ) and was all ready to go out and he was still faffing around when suddenly he stopped and looked at me and said he had to take a picture. Photography was his passion and this was a good one. He had me looking up at him, all wide-eyed and pouting in my little black dress which was very low and very short with just a glimpse of a suspender top. I have to say he made me look very sexy. He told me he had kept that photo in his bedroom for years as he never tired of looking at it.

Then he told Nancy that he had always been secretly in love with her but even though they were close he had never been able to tell her that. He told her she was a gorgeous, big-hearted woman who deserved better than her on-off husband and that he was sorry he wouldn't be around to provide a shoulder for her anymore.

Then he told Dave that he couldn't have wished for a better friend. That knowing him had instantly made him cool. He thanked him for always being there for him.

He showed us an email from Ed. He had written it not knowing why Sean had asked us round and it was in his typical irreverent style. He wrote that he had wanted to come round, especially as he has just completed a disability course so now knew how to behave in front of invalids! He said he wanted to see if he was glowing given that he must be getting plenty of "Jenny Love" and there was a whole lot of other highly inappropriate stuff. Even though he signed it off saying he was off to Church and would remember him there as he always did these days, I gasped in shock at how he had so misjudged it. But Sean told me not purse my lips. That the email was written exactly as he wanted Ed to be. Himself. He told us all we had to be exactly as he loved us. Me with the laugh, Dave with his sage outlook on life and Nancy with her general gorgeousness. He didn't want tears or pity or to be remembered with sadness or regret.

After that he cracked open the champagne and I really did make an effort to match the bubbles and laugh at the various memories we recalled but it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We were there til the early hours even though Sean was clearly shattered and Jenny was keen for us to go. But none of us wanted to as we knew it would be the last time.

I'm ashamed to say I did crack when it came to saying goodbye. I couldn't help it. I put my arms around him and couldn't bear it. Great racking sobs came up, the same ones that have come up again now as I write this. He didn't say anything - just held me for the longest time. HE was comforting ME. How ridiculous was that? I kissed him and carried on crying as the others said goodbye. Dave was very serious and Nancy hugged him for what seemed like forever but she, at least, maintained her composure.

Once he finally closed the door on us, we got into our cab and Nancy completely broke down. Dave was in tears too. We went to Dave's private club and sat there for ages not really saying very much.

I got home sometime after three, this morning. Ewan got up and listened to what had happened but even though he held me tight, I couldn't really sleep. I've been wandering around like a zombie today. I don't know what to think or what to do with myself.

I just feel lost.

All Is Well

Things have been very good with Matt recently. He has been so lovely to me. Very attentive and very different to how he was back in March. I am enjoying our time together even though I'm aware I seem to be with him all the time at the moment, which I know is dangerous.

I definitely have the power in the relationship at the moment as he is the one doing all the running. He starts texting from early in the morning and there is usually an email waiting for me when I get into work saying how much he enjoyed the day before and pushing for a time when we can get together again.

And when I'm with him, he's much sweeter and gentler than he ever was before. It's as if he's really trying hard to make amends. He's still incredibly passionate though - I don't know where he gets his energy from. He makes me feel as if he can't get enough of me and he's constantly telling me how gorgeous/hot/sexy I am and how much I turn him on. It really is a great ego boost for a maturing woman and very clever as it reaps plenty of rewards for him!

I don't feel this can last much longer at this level but I just want to enjoy it while I can and not think about how wrong it all is.

I'm Back and I've Been Tagged !

I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog recently. Partly because I haven’t had much time as I am sleeping with Matt again but mostly because even when I have had a moment, I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about how I seem to be back doing this again. I can’t justify my behaviour or try and analyse it. It makes me feel ashamed.

However, today I decided to tune back in and make an effort to record something and I was delighted to see that I have been tagged by the lovely Mary. It’s the perfect excuse to be able to write without angst !

So, here goes:

1. What are your current obsessions?
Matt! I've spent every spare moment with him over the last week or so and when I 'm not with him, I'm thinking about him and remembering the time we've spent together. He is so very good in bed. I still don't like him much but that doesn't seem to matter much at the moment

2. Who would you most like to have dinner with?
My Dad. I miss him terribly even though he died nearly ten years ago.

3. Last dream you had?
That all the windows and doors in my house were open and a whole load of bee-like things flew in and my daughter was having a panic attack and I didn't want to leave her but I knew I had to get to the front of the house to lock the doors as masked men were trying to get in. I woke up in a sweat !

4. Last thing you bought?
Some chocolate to take round to Matt's last night as I like what he does with it !!

5. What are you listening to?
Earlier in the car I was listening to my daughter's CD that she recently recorded which sounds AMAZING. The girl has got a fantastic voice and her three songs are brilliant.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
Is there a goddess of sex? I would be her as that's how Matt makes me feel. (Sorry! I'm mentioning him a lot. Well I did say I was obsessed with him...)

7. Favourite holiday spots?
I want to go back to Goa. I went with my friends from university during our second year (lord knows how we could afford it) and it was such fun and so beautiful. Best holiday ever.

8. Reading right now?
I should say something clever and worthy but actually it's an old copy of Men's Health that I found in the garage. Particularly fascinated by 25 Tips To Make Your Woman Beg For More. You know, I think Matt may have written it ...!!

9. Four words to describe yourself.
Funny, insecure, disloyal and awakened

10. Guilty pleasure?
Uhm....Matt??!

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?
Most of my friends - especially Ed

12. Favourite spring thing to do?
Walking, gardening and watching everything come to life again

13. Planning to travel to next?
Tuscany, hopefully!

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?
I made Gordon Ramsay's carrot and pineapple muffins on Sunday afternoon and they were DELICIOUS ! I ate three !!

15. When did you last get tipsy?
At a Eurovision party on Saturday. Actually it was quite a bit more than typsy. My children were embarrassed ....

16. Favourite ever film?
Not sure. There are so many. The one I think about a lot is "Closer" with Jude Law and Clive Owen - an excellent study in how cruel people can be to each other

17. Care to share some wisdom?
The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift - that's why they call it "the present" so accept it joyfully and make the most of it.

18. What item could you not live without?
Nivea cream - the thick gloopy stuff in the blue tin. It's fabulous!

19. Thing you are looking forward to?
My oldest friend's daughter's wedding next month. She is like one of my own and I've been friends with her mother since we were two and our mothers are close friends as well. It's set to be an emotional day

20. What’s your favourite smell?
Freshly cut grass

21. What food makes you heave?
Liver and Beetroot – why would anyone eat that?

So that’s it. Now, the rules. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Then tag 8 people.

You're it:
Ian

Jennifer

Priscilla

John

Deirdre

Ruth

Melipop

Meggie

The Swine

I spent most of last week dismissing the whole swine flu panic and accusing everyone of getting over-excited. Then at the weekend, I thought Kyle had it and went into complete meltdown!

It started on Saturday when we all went to see Sasha in her school musical showcase. It's a big deal - one of the main events on the school calendar when lots of agents are invited to attend and Sasha was in quite a few of the numbers.

For most of the week before Kyle had been saying he didn't want to go because one of his friends was having a party which he'd rather be at but I just kept telling him that he had to be at the show to support his sister which of course, didn't impress him.

Before the show, we went out for an early dinner and all was well. Kyle was tucking into his slow roasted pork (!) when suddenly he stopped eating and said he didn't feel very well. He said his head was was banging, that he had shooting pains up and down his back and that he thought he was going to be sick. My mother started clucking round him but I told him not to try it on and that he wasn't going to get out of going to see the show. He said he really wasn't and suddenly I realised that he was being serious.

We got him out into the fresh air which I think made him worse as he then seemed on the verge of collapse and was sweating. Ewan said he would take him home and my mum said she would go back too and look after him. I told her to stay and that I would go back but she very firmly (and loudly) put me in my place and told me I had to stay and support Sasha and that she would look after Kyle. I wanted to scream at her but Ewan said she was probably right and that once Kyle was home and in bed he would probably be OK.

That show seemed to go on forever. Sasha was brilliant of course and brought the house down with one of her song and dance numbers but I was in pure panic and just wanted to get back.

He was actually fine when we returned but still hot and complaining of a bad back. He had a peaceful night, even though I was in and out of his room checking that he was still breathing !

On Sunday morning, he seemed fine but quiet and then suddenly during lunch he said he felt ill again and this time he was really hot. We put him back in bed with more paracetamol but he looked really bad and I was absolutely convinced that he had the swine. Ewan's sister's husband (who I despise!) is a doctor and he unhelpfully just told me to calm down and monitor his condition for a few hours before rushing him off to hospital.

I really hate to admit this but he was right! After a very long and deep sleep, Kyle was fine by the evening. I knew that, because he was cracking his very bad jokes. One of them was as follows:

Not too long ago, if someone said that there would be a black president, the reply would be "when pigs fly". Now look, theres a black president and ....swine flu.

Appalling! More of the same, meant that things were very definitely back to normal and he has been absolutely fine since.

I was mentally exhausted on Bank Holiday Monday. While I was lazing around, a text came through from Matt.

I'm lying in bed and I can't stop thinking about you. I've told Kelly I'm not well so that she won't come round here bothering me. Why don't you escape from your family and spend an hour with me. You know you want to...

I turned the phone off without replying. I'm well aware that someday soon he'll be treating me like that. I don't know why I'm with him - he really is a total and utter swine !