Feeling Down

I'm bored this week.

Matt is away ski-ing with Kelly. He's texted me a few times but I haven't replied. I don't like the thought of them together on holiday and I don't like that I don't like it.

I don't encourage him to talk about her because I don't want to know about their relationship, just as I don't tell him anything about me and Ewan. But he is very dismissive of her and I think that's what I dislike about him so much. It doesn't work on any level - if he doesn't like her that much then why is he with her, if he does like her why is he cheating on her. The thing is, I know that whatever he says he clearly does like her. I saw them both together at the singing group last week and they really do make a stunning couple.

I don't know why I still go to that group - I might stop soon as it's losing its appeal which is strange, as there was a time not too long ago, when singing was the only thing I really enjoyed. My life's gone cold though. That's what it feels like - nothing seems to touch me at the moment. I wonder if I'm heading for some sort of breakdown.

Anyway, I didn't really talk to him while we were there but he came over to join a conversation I was having with one of the women and she pounced on him.
"Oh Matt" she purred "Kelly's just shown me the necklace you bought her for Valentine's Day - it's gorgeous. A real diamond! She's a lucky girl. Is this leading up to something big. One to match for her left hand maybe?"

He laughed it off but I could see he looked anxious at my reaction. I just kept smiling though and looked over at Kelly's gorgeous, slender neck and saw that indeed there was a sparkling stone shining out from the hollow between her collar bones. Again, I don't know why I should be so bothered. She is his girlfriend for goodness sake! But since then, I can't stop thinking about how he would have surprised her with it, how she would have squealed with delight, how they would have gone on to have fabulous sex ......god, I've got to stop this. It's driving me mad!

I need to claim my life back. Work helps with that. I got back on top of things during our "break" but again it holds no challenge, no excitement and I'm aware I've been very snappy with everyone. I've become so different. I'm known for being the life and soul, the one with the loud laugh and now I'm just cross and moody all the time. I think I am losing it.

I need to choose to be a happy person again or it might never happen. The trouble is, my life at the moment feels it has no purpose - it's just there to be got through.

Valentines

I've been thinking about Valentine's Day since Saturday.

I had a card from Matt which he sent here to the office last Friday. It was very naughty and suggestive and pretty much summed up what we are about. Not hearts and flowers ...just sex.

Ewan on the other hand woke me up with a breakfast tray - fresh coffee, warm almond croissants, orange juice and a single red rose. He's done that for the last 20 odd years but I love it. We both agreed early on in the marriage that Valentine's Day is not the time for expensive gifts or meals out or over-priced flowers but a good day to remind each ourselves of what we mean to each other.

Each year we find a card that sums up best how we feel. I couldn't bring myself to buy one this year that proclaimed undying love - it seemed so wrong given what I've been up to these last few months. So I found a comedy one which thinking about now wasn't even funny. He looked slightly disappointed when he opened it and I realised why when I saw his card because it did proclaim undying love and said that after so long together his love for me was stronger than ever and that no one was more perfect for him. I felt embarrassed for him but also so desperate to make things right again. The thing is, I don't really know what's wrong. Or even if anything is.

It's not that I don't love him, I suppose I do, if I'm even capable of love anymore, but it's not life-changing love. I'm comfortable with him but I guess I would be equally comfortable without him. I get cross with him because he takes me for granted and I don't want him to. He has always been so complacent about me which is a big mistake because he needs to realise that I'm no longer as I seem. He just doesn't understand that there have been times when I have been a long way away from him even when I'm right by his side. Though how can he understand that when I'm the one who puts the distance between us.

He was so lovely to me on the 14th, constantly checking that I was alright, taking an interest in things that were happening at work. He even asked if I was OK as I had seemed preoccupied recently and he was worried about my weight loss even though he said I look fantastic. He made the most amazing dinner and we talked about the children and he told me how things were going with his job.

I knew though that after the weekend things would return to normal and sure enough they did - he's hardly spoken to me. So as a result, I answered yes when Matt asked to see me on Tuesday night and didn't feel guilty as I gloried in the pleasure that is his body on mine.

I actually do despise myself.

Birthday Surprise

It was my birthday last week and I arrived in to work to an email from Matt wishing me a happy day and then asking how I was. I should have ignored it but I was so pleased to see his name in my inbox that I replied immediately thanking him and telling him I was OK. There was a message straight back:
Really? Because I'm not doing well at all. Are you not missing me even a little bit?

I asked him why and he told me that since he sent his last email he had regretted it and had only sent it in the belief that I would reply back saying I didn't want things to end. The fact that I gave in so readily was like a punch in the stomach which he still hadn't got over. He said that on one day he was so angry when a text came through that wasn't from me that he threw his phone out of the window .....his very expensive new iPhone it has to be said !! He also said that the worry that I had not since given him another thought was eating him up and that he couldn't go another day without feeling me in his arms again.

I didn't really know what to say. This is what I wanted to hear as I had missed him too and hadn't stopped thinking of him but I had at least been trying to get on with life. Surely the sensible thing would be to just carry on like this until it got easier. However the message I sent back didn't say that. It said I miss you too. I don't even remember sending it. It was as if my practical head and ridiculously sentimental heart were two warring factions and my hands on the keyboard chose to blatently ignore the rational part of me...the part that could stop me making a big, big mistake.
Again, he replied straight away:
Take a sickie and come to the flat. Please. I need to talk this through and I need to feel you near me. Please Selina.

So I did.

We spent the day together. It was better than it ever was - very urgent and desperate - and we are back on. Apparently, he went quiet on me after that amazing night because Kelly had called him in the morning crying because she felt he had been ignoring her and he was feeling guilty. He was planning to talk to me about it at some point that night over drinks after the singing group AGM but of course, I rushed off. He decided to wait then til after the weekend so that he could call me and talk properly without interruption and apologise for not being in touch but instead found himself offering to end things. I believe him but I don't trust him. I don't think I even like him that much.

I've seen him a few times over the week but I don't feel good about it. I've got that terrible feeling that I've made a huge mistake and I've let myself be manipulated. This time I will stay in control. I'm not going to run everytime he snaps his fingers...even though that's exactly what I've done these last few days.

I need to remember I'm another year older now. And I can't stop thinking that there is no fool worse than an old fool.