Monday, 28 May 2012

The End

Oh, my poor blog.  I came back to it today for the first time in weeks and weeks and I had actually forgotten that I had even written that last post. 

Reading it back, I feel slightly ashamed about my behaviour that evening.  I had far too much to drink and I enjoyed a little too much the advances of The Singer !  However, I am triumphant that I held my nerve and didn’t give in.  He didn’t even get a kiss out of me although I admit, that as the end of that post suggested, I was flattered and perhaps willing to embark on another of my “adventures”. 

So, what happened ?

Well, I didn’t embark on anything.  Not, I regret to say, because I saw sense and realised that playing these games is dangerous and indicative of a deep problem within me that needs sorting, but because…..he never got in touch again !

After all that attention that night and then the texts the following morning, I waited and waited for the invite to his show and….it never came.  I did that whole thing of constantly looking at my phone, and turning it on and off to check it was working properly but nothing came.  I nearly, nearly texted him thinking he must have lost my number or something but fortunately saw sense and realised that I had been played.  I made a decision not to cheapen myself further by running after him and offering myself on a plate.  Whatever game he was playing, at least he will believe that I was never interested and need never know that actually I was a bit broken by it.

Stupidly, it caused me to fall into a bit of a slump.  I think it was the thought that I probably would have behaved badly with him if he had called and that I would have ended up being hurt because of the player he clearly is and because of my desperate and pathetic need for men to like me and find me attractive.  It wasn’t the ideal time for a downward spiral as I am busier at the moment than I have ever been, working on events connected with the Jubilee, Euro 2012 and the Olympics.  I admit to losing it for a bit as for a few days I couldn’t motivate myself to get up and in to the office.

But once I did, there was no time to dwell on my stupidity as work has pretty much taken over my life.  Deep down though, I have realised that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy.  It has to come from me and that in turn comes from the realisation that I never will be, unless I learn to be content with what I have.  And I have such a lot. 

My son has just started his exams and if he does well he will be off to Oxford.  My daughter is writing her third musical and has been working with an associate director from Les Miserables who has told her that she is talented enough to apply to the big London drama schools and he has said he will help her.  My husband has recently suggested that we need to talk more to resolve some of the underlying issues that have been present in our marriage for the last quarter of a century.  He thinks that we should see a therapist together and he also wants us to renew our wedding vows at our next anniversary.

So life is good.  I just need to wake up and see that and actually… I think I am finally, slowly opening my eyes. 

And, given all that, it feels the perfect time to stop this blog. I started it because I felt dissatisfied and for a while writing it was the most important thing to me as it was such a release.  However now, I barely think of it which means I have probably outgrown it.  I’m sure I will miss it but I will keep dropping in on the other blogs I have come to love and maybe even leave a comment from time to time.

For those of you who have come with me on my journey, I thank you.  Your comments and emails have helped me perhaps more than you can know and I have valued your friendship.

I feel a bit tearful now.  Who knows, I’ll probably be back writing here next week….but I don’t think so.  Stopping now feels very right.

So ……all that remains for me to say is thank you. 

And goodbye xx

Friday, 23 March 2012

Standing On The Brink....Again !

Last night, I went to an event organised by one of our up and coming to monitor progress and show support.

Because I wasn’t directly involved, I had much more of an opportunity to socialise, which I don’t usually ever have time to do at any more than a superficial level. However yesterday was a good chance to make contacts, and one of them was with the son of a international superstar from a few decades ago. The son has recently decided to follow in his late father’s footsteps and even shares his name. He’s doing incredibly well abroad but no real success here.

Anyway, we hit it off fairly quickly and it turns out we share not just the same age but the very same birthday, which was last month. It wasn’t long before we broke away from the party and he ordered some champagne and we consumed a fair amount. He was very entertaining and told me a lot about his personal life because he said I was very easy to talk to. He currently has a girlfriend in America but he said it wasn’t working. I told him a bit about my family but not much, as I consciously felt I didn’t want to give away much.

As the evening wore on, the drink took effect and he became more complementary. He said I was beautiful and the kind of woman that he has been looking for in ages. I laughed it off but I was flattered – he’s a good looking guy.

We swapped numbers and found out that we live quite near each other. Later in the evening, long after my colleague’s event was over, dancing started at the venue and he pulled me up. I have to admit to really enjoying myself. As the music slowed down, he drew me in closer and although I tried to break away, his hold was firm and so I relented and relaxed into his arms. It felt good but even so, when he tried to kiss me, I decided it was definitely time to call a halt. He apologised but said he couldn’t help himself. I told him it was the drink talking but he said it wasn’t and that I should be worried as I was going to be seeing a lot of him.

We got a cab back home together and he tried it on a few times during the journey but I was very good and didn’t give into his charms even though I was tempted. Almost as soon as I was out of the car, I had a text from him saying that meeting me was the best thing to have happened to him in a long time. And then this morning I had a text asking me if I had slept as well as him and that his night had been full of dreams of me. He asked when he could see me again and if I fancied seeing him perform next week and then going on somewhere afterwards. I said I would and he said he would sort it.

I know I’m playing a dangerous game, yet again. But, I’m almost testing myself. Can I just stay friends with someone I actually do fancy and who seems to fancy me? I think I know the answer is probably no and I should just stop it now.

But when have I ever done the right thing?

Monday, 30 January 2012

Belated Season's Greetings

Happy New Year !

I’ve made a decision. I’m going to to concentrate more on this blog this year. No, I really am. I don’t understand how I have got out of the habit of writing, posting and then reading what everyone else is up to.

There are plenty of things I have wanted to say and have often formulated what I was going to write while I have been out running or walking. See, I resolved to exercise more this year and I have stuck to that, so hopefully this will be the start of another successful resolution.

Here’s hoping….

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Stop Press !!

Rushing to get Christmas sorted ( I haven't even written all my Christmas cards yet) but had to stop to tell you all that......Kyle has been offered a place at Oxford !!

We're all so excited and proud. He keeps reminding us that he has to get 3 As but I'm confident he will do that if he works hard.

We went out to celebrate yesterday and I had far too much champagne but I don't think it was the fizz that was/is responsible for this incredible high !

Monday, 5 December 2011


It has taken me weeks to get round to my poor neglected blog and I think Twitter is to blame. I’m completely addicted and I still don’t really see the point of it. I need to take a step back and stop looking at it at every opportunity and posting inane comments. I need to find the balance ….

Meanwhile, and far more importantly, Kyle has been called for interviews at Oxford University this week. He will be there for three days, which sounds like some interview process. I’m so proud of him and incredibly excited but he seems remarkably calm. It doesn’t matter what happens now, I just think he has done amazingly well to get to this stage

Picture me now with a beaming smile …..

Friday, 11 November 2011

Twittering Away

Wait for it! You’re not going to believe this … but I am now on…. Twitter !!

It was a struggle.

Until now, I’ve left all this social networking to the younger people in my team at work who seem to be on Facebook all the time. It has just never appealed to me although I have increasingly noticed that at events, people I meet often invite me to find them on Facebook or LinkedIn! Why do that? Why not just give me a good, old-fashioned business card ?

Anyway, recently I have noticed that my colleagues have been keeping abreast of news and events by following Twitter and so when I expressed a vague interest in how it works, one of them took me aside and showed me, with great delight, just how useful it is, as a PR tool.

So, I have become a convert and now I tweet away. Initially, I just stalked a few people and companies and then I started putting out a few tweets about events we were involved with and now I regularly treat the world to my personal insights and I seem to have amassed quite a few followers.

I’m a bit disappointed that I enjoy it so much as I wanted to maintain my curmudgeonly attitude to it all. But it’s OK as I can still do that with Facebook ! Thing is, I totally get Twitter as a work aide but I don’t really understand the pleasure I get in announcing that I’m about to watch #Jamie Oliver. Who cares?

Also, I follow a few celebrities (some of whom I have actually met) but I keep falling into the trap of thinking when they tweet, somehow they are interested in my response …amongst the thousands of others they get ! And then I feel stupid that I did it, and that everyone can see what I sent, even though I’m not doing it as a pathetic fan desperate for attention but as someone who has interacted with them in the past ….even if only for a few minutes. I must stop doing that, but it’s still a learning process.

I’m afraid you probably won’t find me, if you look, as I’m there under my @realname but if you are on Twitter and notice an unfamiliar follower reading your tweets, you may find you do know her after all !

Tweet-tweet !!

Monday, 7 November 2011

Pride And Joy

Warning: severe gushing about to be unleashed. Read on with care!

I do love my children. They make me so proud.

In August, Kyle found out he got an A in all his AS-level subjects and an A* in the A-level he took a year early. We are very proud of him and for the first time, he has started to believe that actually he is capable of great things. His school have been telling him for some time that he’s a potential Oxbridge student but I don’t think it was until he got these latest results that he started to believe it. And so he agreed to apply to Oxford to study law! It’s all so exciting.

We went at the end of September to one of the open days and it’s such a beautiful place. It would be such a privilege to study there. Obviously I’d be the proudest mother in the world if he got in but I’m trying really hard not to allow my thinking to influence him. After that trip though, I can see he’s keen l Their sporting facilities are second to none and he’s even talking about taking up rowing !!

Anyway, he re-wrote his personal statement and last month, he had to take the LNAT (Law National Admission Test) which forms part of his application and he thinks it went OK…. though he has moments of anxiety that maybe he completely misunderstood the essay question. Anyway, we’re all waiting now to see if he gets selected for interview.

And it’s not just my son who is causing my pride-ometer to rise….

Sasha is now writing her second musical for the youngsters at the youth centre where she helps out. After attending a residential composers’ course in the summer, she came back full of ideas and spends all her time at the piano. I’m so impressed with her. She’s turned into such a beautiful, compassionate young woman. She is now part of the management team for the soup kitchen where she has also been helping out for about a year and she has done some serious fund-raising and found them some local sponsorship.

Her relationship with young Freddie seems to be going from strength to strength and he is so proud and supportive of her. I hope she hangs on to him – he is lovely and they are a really handsome couple. He took her to his university ball last term and the photos were amazing. I bought three !

I must keep my dreams in check though. As much as I can see myself saying things in a very posh voice, like “My son? Oh yes he’s a student. Where? Oh, at Oxford. Oxford University !! …..or, picturing myself in tears as I watch Freddie’s reaction to my beautiful Sasha coming up the aisle on her father’s arm in the most amazing wedding dress….. I must stop myself from getting too carried away or I’ll end up being disappointed and worse, I’ll subconsciously pile on the pressure for the two people I love most in the world.

I don’t need to look ahead though because whatever happens they have made me so proud already.

I’m a very lucky mum.