I thought it might be useful to take a look back over 2009 so that I can take stock of what sort of year it has been for me.
Well, I'm still blogging which to be honest I thought I would have given up long ago - a fad to have a go at and give up pretty quickly. But no, I'm still here and in August it was a year in Blogworld which means I'll soon have been at it for a full eighteen months. I suspect I'll still be here next year too as it has become part of my life. Part of what I do. Here I can write honestly and say what I really feel without fear of judgement from any one who knows me. Although I think some of my blogger "friends" who comment regularly have got to know me pretty well and they don't judge me. In fact, I think they get me more than I do and I value what they have to say. I love reading their blogs too and feel as if I have got to know a few of them, and what is happening in their lives pretty well, which seems very bizarre, given that none of us have ever met.
I did nearly stop blogging in November but then decided on therapy instead! I'm still not entirely sure that is the answer for me but I won't give up on it yet. I don't enjoy the sessions but I do have this strange feeling that if I open myself up to whatever it is the therapist is pushing me to see, I may come across something quite revelatory. It is forcing me to think about a lot of things so like I say, I'll keep at it.
I suppose, this year has been pretty much about Matt. We started the year in the throes of a passionate affair but actually over the twelve months we have been on and off so many times that it is really quite pathetic. The main thing is that while it was on, he made me feel young and attractive again but now, when it is truly finished, I have to admit to feeling quite sad about the whole sorry thing. I'm cross with myself because though I didn't ever particularly like him, I did need him in my life. I enjoyed sex with him. I liked being adored by him.
I ended it finally in September and now his girlfriend has moved in with him. Even so, I like that he keeps texting and emailing even though I haven't been replying. It means I was something in his life. Yes, he was using me for a bit of excitement but I like him telling me that I'm not like any other woman he has ever known. This is why I need to stick with the whole therapy thing. To work out why I needed all that and to stop me being susceptible to it again.
I do think I handled myself well through the whole thing. I kept to the rules I set myself by not ever losing control. I called the shots and I always waited for him to make the first move - it was never me running to him, being desperate and clingy. He knew he had power over me though because until I made that final decision in September, it was never that difficult to persuade me round to his way of thinking and he clearly feels he can still do that.
That whole relationship resulted in weight loss of around two and a half stone (though with all the eating and drinking over the last week, I'm sure I have put a fair bit of that back on!) and I feel very good at the moment about the way I look.
It's only momentary though. Yes it's great finding clothes at the back of my wardrobe that fit again and shopping has become fun again but as I have said before, I feel as if my life has gone cold. Nothing excites me. I've even given up on the singing which was the one thing that I really loved. I do sometimes feel that even though I'm now seeing the therapist, a breakdown isn't far away ....
I think it was the death of my dear friend Sean this year that set most of this off. Last December he told us he had cancer, but it was only in May that we realised it was terminal and by August he had gone. I haven't really come to terms with that yet. That, coupled with the fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking of my dad (who died ten years ago this year), has made me very morose.
Poor Ewan - he has all this to contend with and he knows I'm not happy at the moment. He is a good man and we are a good couple, I suppose. My fling with Matt, or the flings I have had in the past, are not about him. They're about some problem deep within me that I really need to find a way of addressing. We have a good sex life so it's not that I am searching for. He provides for me and takes his share of responsibilities around the house so it's not as if I'm left with everything to do. He's a fantastic father and Sasha and Kyle absolutely adore him - more than me I'm sure, but it's not jealousy.
It's always great while we're away on holiday but at home I know that he makes me feel irritated, burdened and just plain belligerent. Again, I really need to work out what it is that makes me feel like that, so the therapist really does have his work cut out for him. He wants me to acknowledge that some of Ewan's past behaviour is the reason I may feel the way I do. I'll blog about that one day but I'm not ready to do so yet.
On a positive note, my children make me happy. I'm so proud of them and we have a good relationship.
Kyle took 3 GCSEs, a year early, in the summer and got 3 A*s and his school suggests he has everything required to apply for Oxbridge which he is really keen to do. I don't know how he is so clever. It has to be down to Ewan!
Sasha is pursuing her love of music and drama. She has decided to put university on hold for a year or so as she sees how things develop. I'm not sure that is the sensible thing to do but I have to trust her to make the right decision and can only give her my opinion. The shows that I have seen her in this year though have been a-maz-ing ! I love watching her and there is no feeling greater than when people ask me if I'm her mother and tell me how much they enjoy her performances.
So 2010 approaches! I know what needs work. I'm going to try really hard to rise above all the rubbish, be positive and value what I have. Here's hoping I can do just that.
Happy New Year!
Into the Wild Open Spaces
3 days ago